Marital and Pre Marital Counselling in Bangalore

Counselling is essential and an integral component of legal interventions in the management of a case with the client in distress. The very reason someone has approached a lawyer seeking legal guidance is because there has been a state of mind where the person seeking advice has somewhere comprised on his/her duties, responsibilities, rights, ethics, morals, attitude, action, activities and so on either voluntarily or involuntarily. As a lawyer, practicing since a decade now I have realized that the legal solutions we offer especially in relationship troubles often end up more damaging the already stressed relationship leading to legal separation or further aggravation of the state of affairs. It’s inevitable under certain circumstances that one has to amputee the said relationship but I strongly believe with my own experience that there is strong possibility to ensure the relationship recovers and blossoms thru the right mix of legal guidance and counselling.

It’s very easy for a lawyer to understand the issue listening to less than a sentence from the client on a marital dispute and start recommending legal steps, in case the wife approaches the set procedures one often suggests is to file a case in the police station followed with a domestic violence case or essential rights etc… finally ending with a legal separation or divorce either mutual or contested. In case the husband approaches the procedures more or less are the same but as a caution and proactive protection we also suggest to acquire an anticipatory bail in case the wife complains. Well this is good as per the practice and rule book that suggests and the lawyer’s advice but should we lawyers not see this as a moral responsibility to overcome our own barriers and limitations that govern us and play a vital role as counsellors., I believe it very important for every lawyer to engage with the client and foremost carry very good listening skills and try counselling before taking or suggesting any legal action.

When I was the student of law and have attended counselling sessions with my seniors, I have observed that, couples then would come to us to fix the marriage. Now, I have young couples who have come just to convince their family or partner that a divorce is the right decision. Most marriages go through stormy periods severe enough that divorce is a likely outcome or that in many a cases one or both spouses develop an illness such as anxiety or depression. One important thing to remember as you look at marriage counselling statistics and wonder whether couples therapy can be successful for you: many, if not most, couples don’t go to counselling until their problems have gotten seriously bad. In order for it to be effective, there must be a commitment to improving the relationship and Success comes down to your willingness and determination to make it happen.

Once upon a time marriage was a 'forever' commitment. Today, however, it's a completely different story with some marriages being as short lived as just a few days or months, what distinguishes marriage in India from marriage in the West is the sanctity attached to marriage: a sense of perpetual bonding and an element of divinity in it which slowly in today’s times is becoming obsolete. A very recent report points out that of the 1.7 lakh marriages registered every year in Delhi, about 13,500 do not live happily ever after the statistics in Bangalore are more worse showing near about 9.5% of marriages registered end up in legal troubles and more than 70% of such cases are in the age group of 25 to 35 years and more than 60% are mutual consent divorce. In the present scenario what is new is not only the growing number of divorces but also a qualitative difference in the undercurrents of the causes leading to marital discord and divorce.

The prominent causes for marital discord as per with more than 40,000 cases analysed between 2000 and 2012 can be characterized under four broad categories

• Personality related behaviours
• Tendencies including deficiencies/disorders
• Material/monetary gains through marriage
• Incompatibility arising out of value system / thought process

It was also seen that 46% of cases were resolved successfully through counselling and 27% of the cases ended up with separation while others neither got resolved not reached the legal system.

Counselling is not easy, especially in the Indian scenario beyond couple counselling when the family members get involved, it’s very challenging to being in concurrence keeping all external and internal forces aligned towards common good. Not all counsellors or therapists, however, are qualified to provide marriage counselling. An effective counsellor usually a psychologist or a lawyer is be engaged in the work and truly invested in helping troubled relationships, though he/she charges his/her fees. Signs of a good counsellor also include healthy professional boundaries, such as a rigid confidentiality policy. In turn, the need for clients to be open and honest in marriage counselling is a must to gain the best results.

When should you seek couple counselling

• Your rapport with your spouse has hit a blockade and you want to get your relationship back on track
• When you have challenges in communicating with each other, silence is growing with an unpleasant undercurrent in the relationship
• Where there are fights, resentment or other unpleasantness leaving to disharmony and a bitter taste in the relationship
• When you are having difficulties dealing with in-laws, career, money matters, parenting and get no or less support from spouse
• There are issues with sexuality, you suspect infidelity or any other key behaviour change but still want to ensure to get things back to track
•  A very important juncture in life … beyond 40yrs. when your children are grown up and you are rediscovering each other
• When you notice indifference in behaviour of your spouse and find it hard to deal with
• When you are subjected to domestic violence. For many a people recognising that the relationship they are in is abusive can be difficult, there will be signs of emotional trauma one is going thru and is in midst of indecisiveness, certainly should seek counselling

What is the duration of the counselling sessions…?

-       Typically each session lasts for an hour and depending on the gravity of the situation, it’s observed that one may need at least 3 and at max 20 sessions for issues at hand to be resolved. The Sessions are conducted in interim intervals, with not more than 2 sessions per week.

What happens in the Counselling Sessions…?

-       Different counsellors are going to approach your situation in different ways, and your situation is going to play a role in how that's handled. Typically the counselling sessions involve…

o    Listening and Documentation (gathering information about your backgrounds, the history of the relationship,  and each partner's specific concerns in the relationship)

o   Goal setting  (behaviour pattern modification / guidance / effort to be put by individuals and couples together / effective partnering towards resolution of issues)

o   Monitoring and Modification (based on the feedback by the clients, there will be modifications introduced in due course till the undercurrents settle towards a blossoming relationship)

As an example, I have been very successful with this little formula, I ask the couples to write down at least 10 good things you observed in each other and continue this activity on a daily basis on the first week and come back and tell me, either wahtsapp or email or tell me when you meet in person. In the next sessions I administer and recommend each other to tell the good things they have observed to each other and appreciate them. Go back in time when you first met and live thru all good moments down the memory line and write them down… and a few more etc…

I have personally seen, when one start writing down good about his/her partner, at least 50% of barriers are broken and rest are the thinking traps one needs to overcome with effective communication. Remember magic happens when you put efforts, just don’t expect that you will meet a counsellor and he/she will solve your problems, you own your responsibilities and are accountable to ensure your relationship is back on track, a counsellor is a facilitator with certain tools and techniques and the knowledge about the law of the land who can aid resolve the complications. Perhaps you and your partner are arguing about the stupidest things and these rows quickly escalate into something nasty and you just identify this mistake and put corrective conscious actions to overcome such instances. It's not a bad bargain in the end, and if you're both willing to give it a shot it can be a fruitful experience.

What are the results of Counselling sessions…?

A few results that I have experienced counselling people since few years now are…

• You will realize your short comings and try understand the neutral perspective and see the big picture
• Effective communication is realized, you will start to communicate more effectively and more often
• You will learn to respect each other privacy and understand the limitations
• You will learn to resolve petty conflicts and acquire problem solving skills
• You as couples can decide to rebuild their marriage and make a renewed commitment
• You can expect an improved understanding of yourself and your partner leading to better communication skills
• You will gain insights into each other’s differences, needs and expectations and try see from their point of views
• Thinking traps will be overcome, you will soon realize that many a times what you meant or perceived was not what actually was
• You might work through the issues and strengthen your relationship, you might decide the best course of action is to move on
• You will discover a very different personality of yourself with an option to vent out what is built up in you since many years
• Counselling isn't all rainbows and roses. It's not necessarily a counsellor’s job to save the relationship. Sometimes the counselling is more about figuring out how to make a split amicably

Can People who are unmarried seek couple counselling sessions…?

Absolutely, in today’s era, after seeing many cases of marital dispute, I strongly recommend that couple who are yet to get married should seek Pre-Marital counselling with an objective to understand each other better. In Pre-Marital counselling my focus with the clients is to pitch them thru few case studies and instances that may occur in their marital life and how they will react to which include…

•  Monitory problems
• Infidelity / Suspicion
• Mutual expectation and respect
• Incompatibility and Commitment
• Career and individual aspirations
• Commitment towards in-laws
• Living arrangements (Joint family / Nuclear)
• Commitment towards family and children
• Gender Role and expectations from each other
• Conflict resolution and heated arguments
• Elements of spirituality and sexual compatibility

Should people seek counselling in cases of Domestic Violence…?

Being in a violent relationship can feel incredibly isolating, it’s essential that you should seek guidance and if possible legal help depending on the gravity of the situation if irreversible damage is done. Talking to someone you trust, such as a friend or family member is a great place to start, but if you feel shy or challenged then best option is to seek counselling, your details are confidential here. Remember that abusers are very good at manipulating their victims, most of the behaviours one will notice in the cycle of domestic violence starts with Abuse followed with Guilt and then Excuse and finally trying to bring back things to normal. But the very habit one is got into controlling the relationship will spurt out in similar cycle again and again. Depression, anxiety and low self-esteem are typical by-products of a violent relationship you will fall into and it’s very crucial to seek help. Any kind of violence is intolerable, counselling in such cases don’t take long time, in very few sessions one will observe if the person is an habitual offender or is really putting efforts to overcome the challenges. Alcoholism is another common trait observed in cases of domestic violence. It’s not always women, it is crucial to understand that women can be violent towards men too and men also can be victims of domestic violence should seek advice through counselling and appropriate legal action.

When does couple counselling fail or may not help…?

Most experts agree that couples counselling is a relationship between three individuals and it’s not the counsellor’s responsibility to “fix’ the marriage. It should be observed that average couple that enters marriage counselling has experienced marital difficulties for over few years and definitely would have put efforts to resolve things at their own or with the help of friends and family and after evaluating all option would have come to a lawyer for legal assistance. Times when counselling does not help are…

• The problems in the marriage are too old, longstanding and few efforts in the past are tried with no results
• One of partners has already decided to end the marriage and he/she uses counselling a way to communicate the same
• Domestic violence is an issue and staying in an abusive relationship is the decision to end the marriage
• If the couples are not willing to whole heartedly participate in the counselling and do the homework suggested by the counsellor
• Drug / Alcohol abuse or any kind of mental illness is having a major impact on the marital relationship which is irreversible
• Lack of motivation from either of the couples towards counselling and it’s their parents or guardians pushing them to counselling

What role the legal system in has to play w.r.t. marriage or couple counselling…?

Lawyers who are more interested in the welfare of their clients should probe deeper into family troubles than merely to ascertain whether there are "grounds" for divorce. Indeed, there may be ample grounds and yet divorce may not be the best remedy for the client. At least 40 per cent of all the divorce cases which go through the nation's courts have minor children involved, averaging about two children per couple. The problems today are more complex compared to a few decades earlier, the role of lawyers is also changing to address the situations and some lawyers have begun to realize that they need to be the face of the society and have a very important role to play beyond seeking justice for their clients following the rule books and law of the land. Practicing as an advocate is not enough, lawyers and the system at least in cases related to marital disharmony should move to a higher pedestal in ensuring to bring harmony before suggesting legal actions to amputee. There are many marital counselling centers that the legal system has instituted for the purpose of mediation, often clients I have met seek personal help due to confidentiality and would not want to go to open centers for counselling. There are many limitations, pros and cons and the legal system is evolving continuously but at a very fast pace looking at the alarming rate of dissatisfaction in the marital institute.

I am of the opinion that there is no problem that goes unresolved, only thing required is a little extra effort, that first move to overcome the inertia, that first steps to decide put down the ego and then the magic begins. Not all but at least 30% to 40% of cases can be resolved through counselling. You may wish to write to me at lawyersonia@gmaill.com for legal advice and counselling.

Men... the victims of Domestic Violence

Disclaimer: the intention of this article is not to weaken the struggles women face with domestic violence but also to bring in some light on the issues faced by men. Domestic violence is no longer only a women issue but impacts both sexes equally.

Over the past few years, 'domestic violence' has been defined as vehemence by men against women and children, and women's viciousness against their male partners has been considered to be either absent, or the fault of men, or has been underestimated and justified in a variety of ways to an extent where this interpretation of violence implies further that women's aggression is a reaction to men's actions toward them, blaming the victim for his plight. It is argued, for instance, that a wife who beats her husband has herself been beaten and that her violence is the violence of self-defence.

When one hears the words ‘Domestic violence’ we picture about a woman being beaten by a man… a child living in terror of an arrogant father figure … a woman with bruised face, cowering indoors afraid to upset an unstable male partner… The deep-seated prescription of domestic violence as a woman’s problem, and not a social problem affecting both sexes and their children, is now strongly entrenched in societal attitudes of various western cultures, men in India too have become vocal about this, but the public indifference towards men still exists and this not only deters many male victims from reporting intimate abuse against them, even when they have suffered severe violence, but also reinforces stereotypical attitudes towards them by police forces and social agencies, so that if they do report, they are often disbelieved or ridiculed. Unfortunately in India, Domestic violence against men in India is not recognized by the law and like women, men also find it hard to get out of abusive relationships.

An estimated 835,000 men are physically assaulted by intimate partners every year, according to the National Coalition against Domestic Violence. In recent years, there has been a spurt in the number of men who have been physically abused by their wives. Although the trauma may be the same, the methods of inflicting abuse vary. "Men are stronger and hit their wives, but women, in many cases, ask another man — their brother, father, friend or hired goons — to assault their husbands. About 1650 Husbands aged between 15-49 years and selected through random sampling were interviewed using a schedule adapted from the WHO multicounty study on Husband's health and domestic violence. The study looked at all four aspects of domestic violence — Economical, Emotional, Physical and Sexual. Economical violence was found to be the commonest with 32.8% respondents saying they had faced it at least once, followed by emotional (22.2%), by physical (25.2%) and sexual violence (17.7%). An interesting finding was that the probability of violence increased significantly with the duration of marriage particularly if it was more than seven years old.

In my experience counselling and attending to various cases, one key factor I have observed that men shy away from voicing out their problems for reasons including the welfare and access to children, in most of the cases men don’t report or brush aside and continue to stay in an abusive relationship because of the factors involving their parents. One of the cases my client told its very embarrassing for him to go back and tell his mother that his wife is harassing him and his mother being a heart patient will not be able to tolerate the trauma because it was a love marriage against his mother’s will. Another instance was an NRI husband who is married to an Indian girl faces a lot of challenges where the girls family troubles him for money matters. There are few cases of adultery where the wife is involved in but the husband for the very status in the society although coming to know about such things was unable to do anything but seek a separation on some other grounds and meet the demands of his wife during the separation process.

What should men do and how can law / lawyer help…?

In case of False Acquisitions

The most frequent form of abuse that I have come across in my practice is wife falsely filing a case against husband and her in-laws and misusing 498A. In such instances the husband and family approach the lawyer to get an anticipatory bail to protect them and then continue to fight the case which often leads to marital separation.

Having assisted individuals facing a false accusation of domestic violence for several years, I have personally experienced several incidences where my clients were charged with domestic violence crimes for which I knew they were not guilty. It’s always good to be proactive and with the help of a lawyer file the case against the wife in the nearest police station and send a legal notice to wife stating her intentions are being challenged in the court of law and under any circumstance any further false acquisition or false compliant will not hold any good any more. Being proactive is the best possible solution to overcome false acquisitions. Secondly, ensure you protect your valuables, properties, bank information, passwords,  and belongings that can be under potential threat in case of such accusations and finally stop shying away and notify family members and close friends about the abuse you are going thru which will act as an evidence in later times.  

In case of Emotional / Mental Abuse

Emotional abuse of men is the same as emotional abuse of women: it is acts, including verbal assault, that make a person feel less self-worth or dignity. Emotional abuse of men makes them feel like less of a person. Male victims of emotional abuse may experience partners that: Yell and scream, Threaten them and try to induce fear, Insult and demean them; tell them they are not worth the trouble

Socially isolate them, Lie or withhold information, Treat them like a child or servant, Control all the finances and try humiliating them condemning their sexuality. Having social contacts controlled. Being stopped from seeing or talking to friends and family. Being restricted access to the outside world / groups / organizations is another form of emotional / mental abuse one suffers.

In case of Emotional Abuse, it’s essential for men to ensure they seek help thru counselling or legal advice. Few actions men prefer to take in such cases are to leave the relationship or keep evidence of abuse for possible legal action but not retaliate to make the matters worst. A recent landmark judgement was passed in favour of the husband when his wife used to emotional abuse him calling him an elephant, While hearing a plea of a Delhi-based businessman, who faced cruelty and humiliation at the hands of his wife for being overweight and incapable of satisfying her sexual desires, the Delhi High Court recently ruled that calling your spouse ‘mota haathi’ (fat elephant) is a valid ground for divorce. In this case the woman said that the allegations levied on her were vague and non-specific. She argued that the man could not give specific instances of alleged cruelty with dates, time and particulars to which the court observed when two parties are in a marital relationship, neither is expected to maintain a logbook and note down therein each and every instance of matrimonial offence committed by the other.

In case of Economical or Financial Abuse

Victims in this case are forced to hand over their pay cheques to their partner; may not be given access to their own bank statements and other financial documents; may have money withheld or be forced to leave take heavy debt to meet unnecessary demands; abuse of credit cards, be coerced into signing bank loans and other financial documents; may lose their job because of the stress of family violence affecting their performance, some instances where wife’s family members demand monitory assistance, instances where husbands are not allowed to share / part money with their parents etc…

Economical abuse is one of its worst form where a man is found to be in a miserable state almost living a life of a slave puppet in the hands of his wife and wife’s family, the men should retaliate to this form of abuse and seek legal advice, or take a stand to mutually agree with legal documentation in place on the limitations one should put towards expenses and in-law interference in money matters. In one of the cases expressing concern over rift between couples due to parents' persistent interference in their daughter's married life, Justice Kailash Gambhir upheld a lower court's decree of divorce to a man on the ground of his in-laws' frequent interference in his marital life. Parents should not become uninvited judges of problems of their daughter, become an obstacle in the daughter's married life, plant thoughts in her mind and gain control over her and promote disharmony in her family life, the judge said.

In case of Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is not suffered by women only, men too are victims. Today’s society with access to the internet is more advanced (pervert) then what is was before. There have been several instances where men undergo sexual abuse. The stress that has built up in the urban lifestyle coupled with many lifestyle health and fitness issues have left a bad taste in the marital life, women in some cases have resorted to various means to derive sadistic pleasure from their partners and also have gone to an extent seeking pleasure outside marriage, adultery in case of wife is not punishable offence. Various forms of sexual abuse exist in the society arising out of sheer dissatisfaction in marital life or simply vengeance that wife carries towards her husband. Cheating on the husband is another form of emotional sexual abuse which is grave in its kind leading to extreme disharmony in marital life. Many men in abusive relationships do not feel in control of their own sex life, their partners may demand or coerce intercourse, may make derisory comments about their manhood or ridicule them in public. Many men also experience "sex as a reward for good behaviour" and the opposite of being denied any intimacy if they have (knowingly or not) done something to displease their partners, as being an abusive use of sexuality.

Suffering in any kind is not a sign of happy married life, men have all rights to file complaints against their wife for the untoward behavior, the emotional damage done is to a very great extent in such cases and no matter how much of counselling conducted levees very less chances for the scars to vanish. In such cases the only resort often happens is separation, more often than not the reason for separation will be emotional stress caused and very less cases the victims will open up with the facts of abuse.

Times are changing and there are various forums / men rights social organizations and NGOs who are upholding rights for men. There are various self-help forums for men and communities formed where men can feel free to discuss their issues. It’s a tough stand one needs to take, the society we live in and keeping in mind the future life often we tend to amicably resolve issues and in very less time want to get out form a troubled relationship, vengeance will not resolve the purpose, there are cases that are filed in the courts of law which are still awaiting their turn to come up for hearing and life continues to suffer. The intelligent prefer to get out of trouble and mutually agree for whatever good or bad to part off and continue new life…

For those looking for ways in which they can help defend their charges in a court of law, seeking out a consultation from a skilled domestic violence lawyer in your best interest can reach out to me writing into lawyersonia@gmail.com for any guidance and legal assistance.