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| Art of Alimony Negotiation for Indian Women |
The miscellany and cultural diversity
in India is distinctive. The endless varieties of physical features and
cultural patterns and many variants of languages make this subcontinent very
complex land of multiple religions. The census of 1961 listed as many as 1,652
languages and dialects, the subsequent census regarded them as spurious and recognized
22 major languages. We find in India followers of various faith of which ~80% are
Hindus, ~13% follow Islam while other 7% are followers of Christianity,
Buddhism, Jainism etc…, wish this country was as simple as the followers of
faith but unfortunately there is a wide spread caste system with not less than
3000 sub castes whose hierarchy is graded in different ways in different
regions of India.
Right from our childhood we have been
reading and learning about Unity
in diversity… a concept of "unity without
uniformity and diversity without fragmentation" that
shifts focus from unity based on a mere tolerance of
physical, cultural, linguistic, social, religious, political, ideological
and/or psychological differences towards a more complex unity based
on an understanding, but alas, I just wish what we studied in the school is actually practiced in the
families too. I feel sad to say, per my experience, forget the unity of the country
there is no unity in the families today, the disagreement within the family
members is growing at an alarming rate, the future generations will end up with antagonism,
bitterness and discord which will be the new norm leading but nothing to more crime and
social evils. The prominent few social evils faced by married women today are Dowry,
Domestic Violence, Outraging the modesty, Sexual Harassment, Marital Rape, Adultery
and Men deserting woman, Cruelty by husband and his family members which leads
to but nothing Divorce, the guilty is often not punished and those behind bars
may not be truly guilty.
88.4%
marriages in India are arranged as per the statistics published by UNICEF Human
Rights on August 16th 2016. Approximately 2.3% of marriages end in
divorce, at least 78% causes for contested divorce in India are Dowry and
Domestic Violence. One other trend I have personally observed is todays modern women
wants to move on, the families and parents still hold back some grudge or vengeance
and seek for punishment but the educated modern girl today knows that there is
a long life and bright future ahead and does not want to waste time in
prolonging the case and switches to fasten the proceedings through mutual consent.
One of the very important element todays modern girl often ignores is her right
for Alimony, either she settles for too less or the earnestness to get out of
the suffering is too high that she foregoes her right. Words cannot explain the
plight one goes thru the divorce proceedings, taking the first step to consult
a lawyer or decide to get out of a relationship itself if practically
impossible for the girl no matter how modernized the society is. We still live
in a rigid caste based system and the fearing of what neighbours and society
will talk about. Each community has its own personal laws derived from
religious scriptures, customs and traditions and so the grounds on which a
Hindu woman can seek divorce and alimony may not be the same for every
community.
The Art of Alimony Negotiation
As per the law of the land, Alimony or
Maintenance is a legal obligation on a person to provide financial support to
their spouse before or after marital separation or divorce. In case of
contested matters the Court intervenes to decide the matters related to alimony
and maintenance to both wife and child on various merits of the case. A survey cited by India Today says 63
per cent of Indian women become dependent on their parents post-divorce, even
as 88 per cent of the divorced men continue with the same lifestyle after
divorce. Although the rule of thumb says 1/3rd of the husbands
income and assets be taken into consideration there are other governing factors
that can make the alimony amount high / low, a recent amendment in the law
states the women is entitled for 50% of share in the husbands property acquired
before or after marriage. The law is still unclear and ambiguous as it does not
clearly define what amount of alimony / who / when / and how is the responsibility
shared to up bring the children, often the child custody is granted to women
and the struggle continues with raising inflation and cost of education /
healthcare and other expenses. Unfortunately in India, there is no concept of
joint marital assets, although scriptures call the husband and wife DAMPATI and
prescribe to perform all duties and rites jointly when it comes to finances,
assets, properties etc… it’s always male dominated. In Hindu marriage act, both spouses can claim alimony
from each other whereas the special marriage entitles only wife to claim the
alimony. Alimony is mainly divided into four categories: temporary alimony,
rehabilitative alimony, permanent alimony and reimbursement alimony….
I wish to highlight in this blog what
Indian women need to in case of alimony negotiation and suggest go for an MOU
and settle the matters out of court and seek mutual consent divorce after your
needs are met :
1. Ensure the cause for seeking divorce is
very strong, there should be enough evidence on you been subjected to domestic violence
and are a victim on cruelty by husband and his family
2. Length of marriage plays a vital role
in deciding the alimony amount, shorter marriages should focus on settling a one-time
alimony instead of monthly maintenance
3. Know what you exactly want, don’t just
focus on the amount or assets; showcase your needs and the reason behind the
demand (inflation, child’s education, your disability, current status and
lifestyle, healthcare expenses etc…). Rank your priorities and put forth the
top priority first and keep the meagre ones at the end
4. Give time, there is nothing called “My
Way of High Way”, negotiation process takes time, be patient and if required
hire a professional who can negotiate on your behalf, take off your ego from the
table. Don’t get into threatening and use the words like “Look what I will do …
etc…” don’t label your behavior or offer options / choices for your husband to
choose from. Remember buying time builds up tension; use this method very
carefully but not often
5. Statistics and Data are important,
collect data on various assets, income doorways etc… of your spouse this will be
a very handy piece of evidence during the negotiation process, use the data
carefully after you have done all your homework Subtly nudging them toward your
choice
6. Women often are emotional and during
the negotiations cry or burst out with anger, take control on your emotions and
be cool, don’t get angry or cry, this shows your weakness, maintain the cool /
composure during negotiation, keep in mind you are facing the problem and not
the people although its people around you
7. Educate the other party with facts and
evidence, don’t simply stick to a number you have decided, showcase with data
why you need this amount and the rationale behind the ask. State your case,
clearly and completely. Change the benchmarks of good and bad, try Bring up new
information you have found
8. Don’t burn the bridges, keep the
communication on… in many a cases women walk out of the negotiation table
siting the humiliation, seek help from your counsel to negotiate on your behalf,
New person can reset the rules and strengthen your value preposition, I often
suggest Persuade one person at a time and then use them as allies
9. Focus on WIN – win strategy, with a
bigger WIN coming your way, discuss with your lawyer and do your complete
homework without leaving any stone unturned, remember to brake one deal to
smaller multiple deals swaying them your way. If you just put across one big option then the
chances of that ending up into an argument and killing time are high. Offer to
agree in the half way position
10. Don’t open up all options at one go,
go slow and put your points and let the opposite party come up with his options
before your further open up, remember to keep the process in your control, Offer
to phase in or phase out the unpleasant bits and sometimes or act stupid to
avoid cleaver stuff, catch the opposite party off the ground not expecting
you to behave dumb
11. Beyond currency or money are other
assets too… (Stocks, Bonds, Mutual Funds, Property, Gold, Dividends, etc…) keep
options open and don’t stick on a number, refuse to agree on the table
immediately, say you are open to such a point but wait for the opposite party
to put across more points.
12. Although you are earning, try prove
your point the need is beyond what you can sustain from your earnings, fall
back on data and gather information ( for eg: all that you earn may end up
paying rent and healthcare expenses of your parents, remember as per the new
law amendment women are equally responsible to take care of their parents just
like men)
13. Remember, great negotiation is more
about listening then about talking, once someone on the table says YES, then
document the point and move on don’t argue further on that point
14. When someone from the opposite party,
it could be the husband or his family members or his counsel objects don’t argue
or become defensive, instead ask for clarification, ask a WHY Question, you
will be surprised if you ask “WHY” or ask data to prove the objection raised
the opposite party will not be able to come up with an answer and you can prove
your point then. Human psychology plays a vital role here, ask WHY and you can
surprise the best negotiators on the table if they have not done their homework
15. Remember while negotiation, one the
important fact is to bear in mind is to craft your process in such a way that
will make your husband defenceless, being with him after marriage you definitely
know all his strengths and weakness, you also very well know his emotional
buttons that when you press them right he agrees to your wants.
16. Keep the discussions result oriented, its
often seen during the negotiation process, old memories come up and the
discussion sways more towards a new quarrel instead of point in focus and this
indicates a bad publicity and lead into negative consequences.
17. Remember to be wise and not smart, you
need not show how smart you are, let him feel the pride but you need to be wise
to ensure your wants are met, say you understand and empathize but don’t agree
as your needs outweigh his situations. Suggest a solution and see if they can
bite and push them up against the wall of time.
18. Put your concerns on the table, in my
personal experience I can confidently quote there will always be a family member
from your spouse side who will sympathize with you, utilize him/her and try to
influence the process by siting your concerns, although it’s your demand
showcase as a concern and not ego driving the wants
19. Avoid using “I” statements and instead
use something like “We need to reach a resolution which is in favor of both of
us adding speed to the process” One other tip which is very important is when
you sit for negotiation is the art of speaking, Effective use of speech pauses
is a master technique, the power of silence speaks volumes, don’t blabber your
point and speak continuously, pauses convey your emotions, holds the attention
of distracted audience and replace filler words. You can pause over a question,
impactful sentence or a past memory that you quote. Step out and take a break, especially
when you see things are getting out of your control, this will break the heat
and the flow, come back and start with fresh mind.
20. Engage with your body language, the
body language and conduct during the negotiation process plays a vital role,
many a time although you are enraged and uncomfortable put efforts to make
yourself in composure drink water often during the negotiation, this will give your
time. Not only will this
aid your brain (by providing more oxygen), but your vocal quality will be
enhanced by keeping your mouth and throat lubricated. The greatest leaders and
influencers who speak often resort to this tip… if you observe our beloved
prime minister during the interview process or when he is speaking takes a
pause and drinks some water. Another psychology behind pausing and drinking
water is to break and distract the thought process of the opposite party, break
up their thinking and take charge.
While there is more to this subject, I
believe the reader would benefit with the above 20 tips to strengthen your
proposition. Feel free to write into me at lawyersonia@gmail.com and comment below
on what you feel, You may wish to share your experience and add more tips per
your experience by commenting on this post.
