How to save a marriage – 10 ways to avoid divorce

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person, alas… if this is practiced in reality the divorce rate today would have been way down then what it is. The rate of divorce in India is about 17 per 1,000 marriages. Divorces granted by the family courts increased by 450 per cent between 2003 and 2015 in Kolkata, and doubled in Mumbai between 2010 and 2014. 

Bangalore along has witnessed a 20% year on year growth in divorce rate, almost 25 cases of divorce were filed daily back in 2008 clocking near about 3000 a year which today has grown to 10,000 cases filed in a year. While the heavens are handling the rush of marriages, back on earth, it's the family courts that are working overtime to dissolve marriages that have hit the relationship roadblock.

It’s close to a decade I am practicing and in my experience handling divorce cases, I have discovered 10 golden rules if incorporated in a marital life the relationship can be as sweet as honey…, and in this blog, will try to pass on the message and assist the readers understand them, with a belief that reading this someone … somewhere may be able to save his/her marriage and live happily.   

1. The most important, and a one letter word is the first cause of damage, and this letter is “ I ” , look at it, when its written, although alone, is written in capitals. No matter what language, stop using this word “ I “ as much as possible. Many a times when couples come to me for discussing the issues the most common statements are…
a. I did so much for him / her 
b. I did so much for my mother-in-law
c. I spent and fulfilled all her unnecessary demands
d. and because I did… I want … I need … I demand … I helped … I supported … etc… etc… 

2. Now just for a moment turn the tables and instead of using this single letter word “ I “ start incorporating the usage of a double letter word “WE” in your communication …, its “We” together did … “We” together will … etc…, per my experience in the last few years dealing with divorce cases, especially after the divorce is thru many a clients have come back to me and do tell… wish we had got one chance, and somehow…

3. EGO is the three letter word which is the underlying factor, the root cause, that comes between the couples and this is exactly where We becomes I, find ways to get out of Ego. Learn to be cool and take things in their right ways, get away from thinking traps, chose to love and get away from complains. We are kids from heart… and we do mistakes… we talk harsh many a times… we may hurt many a people… learn to forgive. 

4. LOVE … a four letter word that is the principle of forgiveness…, Love kills ego that has turned the WE into I, love unconditionally, any time there is a conflict, go back to the days when you met first, cherish few memories from your past where you have loved each other unconditionally. Unfortunately today’s generation, relationships can be summarized with one statement “Love at first sight-Divorce at first fight” is this what we want to pass on to our Millennials, where are we heading towards, a stress filled life...!

5. What can be done to overcome this stress that is building up in us, SMILE, how often we smile daily, not sure, ask yourself reading this post and try counting the numbers of times you have smiled in a day, a stressful day that is filled with family stress, traffic stress, work stress, money stress, business stress, health related stress, accomplish related stress, etc… stress is everywhere and who becomes the scapegoat of this… your spouse, you come back home and pour out all your stress on to your spouse, husband shouts on wife and wife shouts on husband and then … rest is history. We have lost to SMILE…, how often we have seen the face book messages and whatsapp forwards that “According to doctors we use only four muscles to smile, but when we frown we use 64 muscles, i.e… 16 times more”

6. GOSSIP a six letter word is another root cause that often adds a lot of unnecessary waste in our minds leading to thinking traps and build unwanted stress, many a clients who often complain and I quote “Ma’am, in my family, after my husband leaves for work, while I am doing household things, my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, often gossip about me, and then badmouth me / my family etc…”  look at the media that is adding fuel to the fire, “SAAS BHI KABHI BAHU THI” ha ha ha… this is one of the most common things I have observed, many a marriages break especially when In-Laws are involved is because of Gossip, please, for haven sake, stop gossiping, stop spreading rumors, stop badmouthing. I remember reading a quote which said I am Daughter-In-Law of this family means DIL of the family, Dil in English is Heart, … literally meaning Daughter-In-Law is the heart of the family, and what is happening today… heartburn and heartattcks…

7. RESPECT a seven letter word the only way to stop gossiping about someone is to respect him/her, with respect comes a lot of responsibility, with respect comes a lot of love, if you wish to be treated respectfully start giving respect to your spouse, to your in-laws, to your family members, to the newly wed bride who has come to your home leaving her family, to the newly married husband who has declared to the whole world now there is a companion in life he can live with for ever, to the newly wed wife who has redefined her life leaving back the chocolates and ice-creams for additional responsibilities. Respect plays a very vital role in the relationship, remember respect is for those who deserve it and not the one who demand it, many a times we don’t understand the difference between deserving and demanding, especially the in-laws at home end up demanding respect weather they deserve it or not and the most common verse the parents teach to their daughters is “Jukh kar chal” in English meaning bow down in front of your in-laws and husband and we in the 21st century talk about gender equality… ah… Respect is to be earned, by all in the relationship, it should be earned by the husband, by the wife, by the in-laws and to earn respect you need to let go your EGO, Stop Gossiping, start loving and caring unconditionally, above all smile often… remember wife or daughter-in-law is not a maid and a husband is not an ATM machine. 

8. PATIANCE an eight letter word is the magical of all the words defined so far in the vocabulary of a relationship, it has a lot to do, go back and sneak into the lives of our parents and grandparents, the biggest learning one can learn from them can be summarized by a very famous quote an old lady told “We were born in the era, when something was broken, we would fix it, not throw it away”. It takes a lot to be patient, todays millennial generation lacks patience, everything one needs is instant, gone are the days of standing in queue, gone are the days of waiting, look at the fast changing technology landscape that has reduced the cycle time of your needs and wants, and so … gone are the days of patience … its difficult today, but required the most. 


9. GRATITUDE a nine letter word, the most miraculous one and has the capacity of working wonders in a marital relationship, what I have observed when discussed with many of my clients that after a period of time one starts taking another for granted, the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness which existed in the initial days of marriage between the spouse, the parents of both sides, the families, everything is lost in thin air, when was the last time we said our spouse “I Love You” or “Thank you”, have we ever gone back to our spouse and thanked him/her for supporting us in fulfilling our dreams…goals…desires…wants…needs… NO we have not… all we do is increase the bar … year on year as our corporate life demands us to set high goals, we come back and do the same with our spouse, marriage anniversary is not an appraisal. Start showing gratitude towards your people in the family, to your wife, to your husband, appreciate them for the good they have done, be thankful, you will see miracles unfolding your way. 

10. CONNECTION ... the last ten letter word, I will end this blog with is CONNECTION. You may carry the best smart phone in your pocket, what is it of use without being connected, it’s a connected world we live in, and unfortunately we are not connected by heart with our family, with the wife, with the husband, with the parents, with the siblings, with one and all, we are living alone and we are disconnected. The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen, perhaps the most important thing we give to each other is our attention. Throughout our lives we yearn to be loved and cared, this deep routed feeling is the crux for one to find a companion beyond mother and sister in a wife to be by the ups and downs lifelong, and for this to happen, the most important factor is to connect. Connect with mind…heart…body…soul…, Remember we don’t accomplish in this world anything alone, our lives are connected by thousands of threads with thousands of people in every stream of our life, one needs to have the strongest connection with his/her spouse and then nothing is impossible in life. 

I trust, reading this blog post you will for sure takeaway at least one of the above mentioned value which may assist you in some small way to lead a happy life…, write to me at lawyersonia@gmail.com or comment below on this post and share your thoughts. 

Beaten Down and Silenced Cry... Domestic Violence

In a country with a population 1.2 billion Indians, 48.5% comprise of women. 56% of the total women population are married out of them 7.5% are aged 60+. (Hindu 38.78 %; Muslim 6.5 %; Christian 1.18 %; Sikh 0.88 %; Buddhist 0.38 %; Jain 0.20 %; Others 0.32 %).  

As per a NFHS statistics 37.2 % of ever married women have experienced spousal violence and about once every five minutes an incident of domestic violence is reported, under its legal definition of "cruelty by husband or his relatives".  At all India level, 10.35 % households are female headed and the average size of female headed households is 4 whereas the average household size for male headed households is 6, and surprisingly domestic violence cases often are from homes that are female dominated.

Acts of domestic violence can include physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, and economic abuse. The abuser could be a parent, child, spouse, stepparent, live-in partner, sibling, or other relative. Victims and abusers come from both genders and all age groups. Marital rape is another form of domestic violence in which one spouse is sexually abused by the other. 65% of Indian men believe women should tolerate violence in order to keep the family together, and women sometimes deserve to be beaten. In January 2011, the International Men and Gender Equality Survey (IMAGES) Questionnaire reported that 24% of Indian men had committed sexual violence at some point during their lives.

According to the National Crime Records Bureau of India, reported incidents of crime against women increased 8.3% during 2014, and a crime against a woman is committed every three minutes. In 2013 there were 314,210 reported incidents of crime against women, in 2012 there were 244,270 reported incidents, while in 2011 there were 228,650 reported incidents. Among the crimes committed against women, the crimes of torture and molestation together constitute 65.53%

India’s societal changes have been engineered by women getting access to education and jobs. However on the ground regressive notions and crimes continue to halt women from getting out of their homes and joining the work force. While our Western sisters burned bras in the 1960s for equality, India's women are taking to the streets to demand their right to walk freely without fear from men…

The law surrounding domestic violence and marital rape is complicated. Plus, the facts of each case are unique. There is no single cause of domestic violence, it comes from a combination of factors, including society's attitudes, community responses, and the individual psychology experiences of the abuser and the abused. The biggest challenge is more often than not the women experiencing domestic violence tend to believe it’s a normal behaviour and start falsely believing that the violence against them is punishment for their misbehaviour (as defined by the husband and his family) and for their good behaviour petty rewards like an outing or a movie or a gift is what they should expect… quite unfortunate… many women in India still believe there is no good reason to call police if husband beats wife, and family members too don’t come to the rescue of women when being abused by her husband.

One of my clients reported that her husband used to turn on the TV volume high and then beat her so that family members or others in the home don’t come to know what is happening and also she was under constant depression, malnourished and used to become hysteric. In-laws blamed her of being a mentally ill girl and wanted to get rid of her and so filed a divorce case…

In one other case, the girl had to leave the marital home due to the illegal sexual advances from the father-in-law towards her, the plight of this newly married girl was such where she was living a nightmarish hell without able to communicate to her husband or mother-in-law, with much difficulty and the help of house maid she gathered some strength and opened up the matter to the police…

Often reported by many social activists and NGOs that children become victims of domestic violence, the emotional trauma they go thru seeing the violent episodes between parents and watch in-laws behaving like an animal with their mother makes them social rebels

Alcohol and substance abuse is another big cause to this concern, cases where husband abuses wife under the influence of alcohol and pretends to repent his deed once he comes to his normal senses, the fallacy is that the women being abused fails to understand the behaviour of her husband and lives in her own false believes

Dowry is another problem that adds fuel to the fire; many young women today too are murdered or driven to suicide by continuous harassment and torture by husbands and in-laws in an effort to extort an increased dowry. It’s very important that people realize such facts and take actions well in advance…

The only way to permanently stop domestic violence is for everyone to no longer try to control and abuse those they love. This goal will take educating our kids to respect their romantic partners by demonstrating respectful, healthy relationships with our spouses and partners.

Beyond the one who is a sufferer, we as responsible citizen can play our part in helping avoid such situations in our community…. Few things I believe we can do are…

If your neighbour, friend, co-worker, classmate, mother, sister, daughter, daughter-in-law, niece or cousin is facing Domestic Violence at home, let them know that you will be willing to be a witness or to intervene on their behalf while you are around.

I really liked the idea Bell Bajao campaign, have seen on the television and few social media sties too, If you are the neighbour of a family experiencing Domestic Violence, please take the time to ring their bell when you hear a violent situation happening. You could use the old neighbourly approach of asking to borrow a cup of sugar or some milk as an excuse. If you feel that it could get dangerous, bring another person with you so there will be more than one witness.

If the situation is beyond simple neighbourly intervention, call the police, Provide critical information, such as location, names, contact number, and whether or not you wish the remain anonymous, remember you are a neighbour or a friend and you may not wish show heroism and get into trouble but it’s always good to seek help, you can also seek help from a couple other neighbours and together work to support the victim…

If you fear for your friend, co-worker, classmate, or family member’s life, call or text her once a day at a random time to see if she is all right., remember to be friendly, be sensitive to the situation, unknowingly your act may trigger another episode of violence if you text too much or her husband come to know and starts suspecting you to be a person creating more troubles in their life…

The victim of domestic violence is often either aggressive or too low in self-esteem, be a good listener, counsel her or seek professional counselling. This taboo is not easy for the society to overcome, it will take time may be a couple of decade if very optimistic or may be a couple of centuries… as long as the roots of social evil are strong in the society, as long as the education is limited to theories and lacks empathy, as long as the morals are poor, as long as minds are corrupted, as long as …. as long as … as long as… etc..

It’s our responsibility to act and help and support… you may wish to write to me at lawyersonia@gmail.com for advice and counselling or any legal assistance in lieu with this.