What is Revenge Porn : Legal Remedies for Cyber Crime Driven by Vengeance

 

 

lawyersonia@gmail.com | 9845944896 | Revenge Porn | Non-consensual Sharing of Intimate Images and Videos

90% of Revenge Porn victims are either Women or people in the LGBTQ community. 93% reported not only the person but the family members too underwent severe trauma. 49% of such people surveyed said they are harassed or stalked online by users who saw their material. 27% of Indians in the age group of 13 to 45 in the sample surveyed were subjected to such instances of Revenge porn and this age group is most vulnerable.  

National Crime Records Bureau of India reports 157% increase year on year in the number of cases reported for sharing obscene content on the internet.  Unfortunately, some are accidental, but many are driven by vengeance from the ex-partner to settle scores with either the boy who has moved on or the girl who is now happily married concealing and forgetting her past.  

Revenge Porn is a global phenomenon, in India its now catching up but less than 5% of cases get reported. The taboo and stigma associated is such which is also a raising concern for many suicide cases, job loss, matrimonial disputes leading to divorce and many more repercussions. 95% of Cyber-Crime victims do not even lodge a complaint as the victims, who are usually women, fear they will get identified and labelled in society, alas the prevalence of victim shaming. Also comes with it an embarrassment of showing their content to the person seeking help from which could be the police, lawyer, parents, siblings, counselor etc…

The First ever case State of West Bengal v Animesh Boxi in the year 2018 sets precedence with punishment for 5 years and a fine of INR 9,000. Also, the judgement gives directions to the state government to treat the victim of Revenge Porn as a Rape Survivor and provide her appropriate compensation.  

“ Revenge porn is defined as sexually explicit images of a person posted online without that person’s consent especially as a form of revenge or harassment. Unfortunately, the perpetrator and the victim shared an intimate relationship in the past ”

 What should you do if you are a victim of Revenge Porn

-         While you will want the guilty to be punished, first thing first, as soon as you identify immediately report to the platform where you saw such image / video either yourself or through your legal counsel and request removal of such online content.

-         Facebook, Instagram, YouTube restrict nudity, but some medical videos continue to be available in these platforms usually are that of breast feeding or cancer detection guides, no matter how intelligent the platforms are some photographs or videos cannot be detected automatically, reporting will help remove the content.

-         Blogs often may not be monitored, and such platforms may carry your images / videos posted by the offender and as a victim reporting to the platform provider gets these removed immediately.

-         Unfortunately, if the content is removed from or the URLs are deleted, the material may still be on the hosting website.

-         While these images or videos are in the process of being removed do consult your legal counsel and identify the options you wish to pursue to both defend your self and punish the accused.

-         You may also approach a clinical psychologist and during this tough time seek counselling. I do volunteer for such activities as time permits and as a practicing advocate work closely with the cyber crime police in assisting victims and standing for justice. I can be reached at lawyersonia@gmail.com for any guidance or legal assistance.

-         Gather evidence of the material, while you have written to the platforms to remove the content, take screen shots which will form the evidence if you wish to file a legal suit against the offender.

-         Consider the source of images, identify if you have accidently shared or someone has intentionally hacked from your personal devices. File a report with the police. You may directly approach the women’s cell, if you are a resident of Bangalore do reach the Shivajinagar women Police Station either directly or with your legal counsel and get the FIR registered and the stage

Legal Remedies for Revenge Porn

Many law makers globally agree that a definitive law needs to be defined with the quantum of punishment and the procedure for trail. While law making agencies in few countries have initiated such bills in their parliaments, In India acts of Revenge Porn often called as Non consensual pornography or Non consensual sharing of intimate images under the Section 66E, 67, 67A, 72 IT ACT. Such offences are also tried under section 4 and section 6 of Indecent Representation of Women (Prohibition) Act (IRWA), beyond the above acts the offender can be tried depending on the gravity of the case and parties involved under various sections of IPC not limited to IPC 292,354, 354 A, 354 C, 120 B, 406, 499, 509.

Conclusion

While there are legal remedies, we need to create a mass awareness and educate the people, especially adolescents and the youth not to encourage sharing nude pictures over the internet or engage in virtual intimate relationships online. While technology is a boon such acts of violating cyber privacy either accidentally or intentionally is a bane.

Trust this information compiled in this blog post is of help. Reach out to me if you are a victim of such cyber-attack at lawyersonia@gmail.com if you need counselling and legal assistance. 

 

Covid19 - Legal Remedies for Intimate Partner Violence (Domestic Violence)

Legal Remedies for Intimate Partner Violence (Domestic Violence | 498A | Divorce) 

Domestic Violence today is gender agnostic. What was once considered only women to be victims of such domestic violence today's society has accepted any intimate partner irrespective of gender and orientation can be a victim to domestic abuse. 

A multi country study conducted by UN with available sample size at 90% confidence level shows that 35% of partners have been subjected to domestic violence in some form or other by their intimate partners. 26.4% Men, 43.8% Women and 61.1% LGBTQ community reports intimate partner violence. Women and LGBTQ community has reported a higher percent of sexual and physical abuse while the Men have reported mental abuse and to a greater extent financial abuse. 

One such estimate and the study conducted in 2017 showed 57% women whose death was unnatural like death due to physical assault, accident, suicides, homicides, drowning, falls etc… had an history of intimate partner violence.

Covid19 has brought a situation where people are unable to go outside and locked down. The conflicts between intimate partners have seen raising exponentially, as the quarantine takes effect world wide the intimate partner violence is now become an “intimate terrorism” such is the term used by many experts, lawyers, counselors etc… globally … such grave is the situation today. 

Before we figured out the possible legal remedies to overcome the abuse lets define who is an Intimate Partners and what are the broad categories of intimate partner violence.

Who is an Intimate Partner ?

An intimate partner is a person with whom you have or had a close personal or sexual relationship. Such partner may be heterosexual or homosexual or of any sexual orientation. 

What is Intimate Partner Violence ?

The World Health Organization (WHO) defines intimate partner violence as "any behavior within an intimate relationship that causes physical, psychological or sexual harm to those in the relationship". The WHO also adds controlling behaviors as a form of abuse. 

What are the types of Intimate Partner Violence ?

- Physical Violence : is the intentional use of force with a potential of causing life threatening condition, disability, severe injury, grievous hurt, and the milder forms of physical abuse like scratching; pushing; shoving; throwing; grabbing; biting; choking; shaking; slapping; punching; burning etc.. .

- Psychological Violence : Acts of emotional torture, constraining and restraining someone from performing an act, curtailing the freedom, stalking, nagging, passing comments, taunting, using nonphysical form of violence, using abusive language, humiliating a person, isolation, invading the privacy, unauthorized access to passwords and social media content or private content etc…

- Financial Violence : Acts done by an intimate partner which causes severe financial threats, use of force either physical, or psychological and control another person’s finances against the will, further examples of financial abuse include steeling money or property, financial mischief, intentional fraud, Coercion to sign documents, forcefully taking away money or salary earned, misuse of possessions by intimate partner or his/her family members, control over bank transactions, credit card and debit cards, restraining some one to spend money on his/her parents, restraining one to spend money on his/her will, unpaid bills, unpaid EMIs and forcing the partner to pay, unnecessary subscriptions to various goods / services etc..

- Sexual Violence :  Use of physical force to compel a person to engage in a sexual act against his or her will, sexual violence, unnatural sexual behavior, use of drugs and substance abuse during sexual activity either by will or under coercion, use of derogatory sexual words, forcing to engage in acts of pornography, molestation, passing lewd comments etc… 

What are the Behaviors of people who are subjected to Intimate Partner Violence ?

We live in a society where only one face of a person is seen which he/she is willing the society to know and there exists a hidden life which the world is unaware. Same is the situation with people who are subjected to domestic abuse by intimate partners. 

We will have many friends who surely would have gone through such trauma but appear normal in front of all but suffer in silence, such suffering could be because either they accept that abuse is normal and that’s how the life is, or they may not know how to seek legal remedy. 

Firstly, one needs to identify if that person is suffering violence and you can play a vital role in helping such person by asking him/her if something is wrong, express concern and assurance, offer help and support, listen patiently without deducing inferences or conclusions. While you do so, never try to judge or blame the person. Here are some traits of persons who are subjected to intimate partner abuse …

- Such persons seem extremely anxious to please their partners

- Such persons are also seen visibly afraid of their partners

- They seem to agree with everything their partners tell, although it may not be by their free will

- They call their partners often to report where they are and with whom

- Visible signs of injuries and bruises may be commonly seen, and they may dress to hide them

- These people will be restricted to see the family and friends

- They rarely go out in public and especially they don’t spend money although they are capable of

- They may seek permission from their partners before spending money

- These people although be earning well will have limited or no access to Credit cards, money etc..

- Such persons will carry low self-esteem, you will see them often lost and depressed 

- Typically, an extrovert person will suddenly behave introvert and also carry suicidal tendencies

An observation that should trigger you investigate further or offer support will be when such a person talks about their partner’s jealousy or possessiveness, or even their temper.

What are the legal remedies available for persons subjected to Domestic Violence?

Indian Legal system has various legal remedies that can help the victims of domestic abuse, such laws are gender agnostic and applicable to Men, Women and persons of any gender orientation. 

Some sections in IPC that the abusers can be booked under but not limited to are Section 107, 109, 102A/B, 212, 302, 303, 304, 304B, 306, 307, 314, 323, 325, 341,342, 342, 354, 370, 376, 377, 379, 384, 406, 417, 426, 465, 496, 498, 498a, 500, 506, 511. 

There are many other legal remedies available including DV, Maintenance and Restraining Orders, every individual is unique and ever person who is subjected to abuse has a unique experience, while the sections imposed under law may be common, but the case build up is uncommon. The victim alone knows the challenges he/she has faced and only a learned counsel can understand the situations and draft the legal papers to seek the appropriate remedy. 

Such remedy the victim of intimate partner domestic violence shall receive in the form of compensation and / or punishment of the abuser which can extend from as less as 6 months and depending on the gravity of violence can also be subjected to life imprisonment. In rarest of the rarest cases where a persons modesty is outrages or the intensity of violence is such that has resulted in loss of life a death punishment also can be prayed. 

What should a person or his/her friend / relative parent does if they identify a person is subjected to intimate partner violence ?

- Talk to your friends and keep your near and dear ones appraised about the situation you are in and seek support. 

- Seek help from a Legal Practitioner to initiate the legal proceedings

- Dial emergency / SOS number and seek police intervention 

Very importantly figure out a way to get out of such relationship which is harmful in a long run. Eventually, one fine day the lockdown will end. But as the quarantine drags on, the danger appears likely to deepen. Studies show that abusers are more likely to cause severe life-threatening damage to their partners physically and mentally. 

Such abuse many not necessarily be habitual but also due to  and other variables in the wake of personal crises, including loss of jobs, financial setbacks, and other economic challenges. 

Prevention is better than cure, as you observe any change in behavior of your partner seek counselling in early stages as compared to a legal remedy after the abuse. 

Trust this information is helpful to the reader, feel free to write to me at lawyersonia@gmail.com or call +91 9845944896 and have a discussion. 

As I have mentioned earlier too, every individual is unique and his or her circumstance too is. A one to one discussion will certainly help you adapt to this changed reality and cope with the psychological effects, loneliness, build trust and improve self-esteem.

Help is just a call away … 😊 

Divorce: Husband not bound to maintain a Well-Qualified wife sitting idle

Divorce and Family disputes are at a raise in India and the problem is couples don’t want to solve their problems but are willing to part away without giving a second chance to their relationship. I once heard a comment “Love at First Sight and Divorce at First Fight” which seems to be true these days. In the last couple of years there are multiple instances where women are losing on the alimony claims / maintenance from husband post-divorce. Lawyers arguing and courts agreeing that a well-qualified wife and capable to earn need not fall back on the husband to claim maintenance and the trend seems to be increasingly alarming.

The point of concern is the human angle, women are different than men in many ways, although they are tough enough to face the challenges of time it is practically impossible to simply rule in the favour of husband when the wife is not working and carries no means of income at the time of divorce, first of all the plight in India is women leave their parental home and virtually all relationship ties are killed in the name of kanyadaan ceremony ( a ritual where the kanya (girl) is donated in charity to husband) and the parents bid a good bye to the girl stating now your husband’s home is your home, you will live and die there also we are no more your parents you need to accept your husband’s parents as your parents blah…blah…blah… and then the married women is subjected to various atrocities which push them to seek divorce. The tradition, culture and social stigmas of divorce haunt women more in than men, some cases the judgement in favor of husband have an aftermath making life of divorced women more miserable.

I did some research and gathered statistics of unemployment rate in India that has shot up to a five-year high of 5 per cent in 2015-16, with the figure significantly higher at 8.7 per cent for women as compared to 4.3 per cent for men, says a report by Labour Bureau. According to the fifth annual employment-unemployment survey at all-India level, about 77 per cent of the households were reported to be having no regular wage/salaried person. In rural sector, unemployment rate is 5.1 per cent whereas in urban sector, the rate is 4.9 per cent. The figure was significantly higher among females compared to males.  In urban areas, female unemployment rate was estimated to be 12.1 per cent at pan-India level compared to 3.3 per cent for males. The survey was conducted across all states and union territories during April 2015 to December 2015. A total sample of 1,56,563 households were covered in the survey – 88,783 households in the rural sector and 67,780 in the urban sector.

One very important argument I wish to make to my readers is the importance of siting the facts while filing the maintenance and divorce suits, not all cases are ruled against women, but only those where certain key points are not highlighted why the maintenance is being claimed. An example to quote from one of the cases where the Mumbai Family Court rejected the claim was because the petitioner contended that the respondent is a successful businessman and is doing business not only in India but also in Dubai and other countries, and that his total income per month is more than Rs. 15 lakhs, and therefore considering the status of her husband, she prayed for grant of maintenance of INR 2 lakhs per month. The Court relied on Mamta Jaiswal v. Rajesh Jaiswal, 24^th March 2000, a ruling by Madhya Pradesh high court, where it was held that “well qualified wife is not entitled to remain as an idle and claim maintenance from her husband”.  Now such claims are bound to be rejected… instead if certain facts be strengthened on the current lifestyle of the wife cannot be maintained and her monthly expenses are way beyond INR 2 Lakhs that include rent, home and household expenses, cost of maids / domestic help, cook, driver, health expenses, commutations, loans, parents illness, child and other commitments etc… so all boils down to how things are represented.

I wish to end this blog with a small story on the importance of communication with an anecdote which goes like this

“A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat. A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words. Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked,

"Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."

I wrote: "Today is a beautiful day but I cannot see it."

Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people that they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective? 

Life is something similar in the courts too… it all depends on how strong your arguments are and evidence is. If you enjoyed this post do comment, like and share, feel free to reach me at lawyersonia@gmail.com 

20 Practical Tips for Women in India to Negotiate Alimony

Art of Alimony Negotiation for Indian Women

The miscellany and cultural diversity in India is distinctive. The endless varieties of physical features and cultural patterns and many variants of languages make this subcontinent very complex land of multiple religions. The census of 1961 listed as many as 1,652 languages and dialects, the subsequent census regarded them as spurious and recognized 22 major languages. We find in India followers of various faith of which ~80% are Hindus, ~13% follow Islam while other 7% are followers of Christianity, Buddhism, Jainism etc…, wish this country was as simple as the followers of faith but unfortunately there is a wide spread caste system with not less than 3000 sub castes whose hierarchy is graded in different ways in different regions of India.

Right from our childhood we have been reading and learning about Unity in diversity… a concept of "unity without uniformity and diversity without fragmentation" that shifts focus from unity based on a mere tolerance of physical, cultural, linguistic, social, religious, political, ideological and/or psychological differences towards a more complex unity based on an understanding, but alas, I just wish what we studied in the school is actually practiced in the families too. I feel sad to say, per my experience, forget the unity of the country there is no unity in the families today, the disagreement within the family members is growing at an alarming rate, the future generations will end up with antagonism, bitterness and discord which will be the new norm leading but nothing to more crime and social evils. The prominent few social evils faced by married women today are Dowry, Domestic Violence, Outraging the modesty, Sexual Harassment, Marital Rape, Adultery and Men deserting woman, Cruelty by husband and his family members which leads to but nothing Divorce, the guilty is often not punished and those behind bars may not be truly guilty.

88.4% marriages in India are arranged as per the statistics published by UNICEF Human Rights on August 16^th 2016. Approximately 2.3% of marriages end in divorce, at least 78% causes for contested divorce in India are Dowry and Domestic Violence. One other trend I have personally observed is todays modern women wants to move on, the families and parents still hold back some grudge or vengeance and seek for punishment but the educated modern girl today knows that there is a long life and bright future ahead and does not want to waste time in prolonging the case and switches to fasten the proceedings through mutual consent. One of the very important element todays modern girl often ignores is her right for Alimony, either she settles for too less or the earnestness to get out of the suffering is too high that she foregoes her right. Words cannot explain the plight one goes thru the divorce proceedings, taking the first step to consult a lawyer or decide to get out of a relationship itself if practically impossible for the girl no matter how modernized the society is. We still live in a rigid caste based system and the fearing of what neighbours and society will talk about. Each community has its own personal laws derived from religious scriptures, customs and traditions and so the grounds on which a Hindu woman can seek divorce and alimony may not be the same for every community.

The Art of Alimony Negotiation

As per the law of the land, Alimony or Maintenance is a legal obligation on a person to provide financial support to their spouse before or after marital separation or divorce. In case of contested matters the Court intervenes to decide the matters related to alimony and maintenance to both wife and child on various merits of the case. A survey cited by India Today says 63 per cent of Indian women become dependent on their parents post-divorce, even as 88 per cent of the divorced men continue with the same lifestyle after divorce. Although the rule of thumb says 1/3^rd of the husbands income and assets be taken into consideration there are other governing factors that can make the alimony amount high / low, a recent amendment in the law states the women is entitled for 50% of share in the husbands property acquired before or after marriage. The law is still unclear and ambiguous as it does not clearly define what amount of alimony / who / when / and how is the responsibility shared to up bring the children, often the child custody is granted to women and the struggle continues with raising inflation and cost of education / healthcare and other expenses. Unfortunately in India, there is no concept of joint marital assets, although scriptures call the husband and wife DAMPATI and prescribe to perform all duties and rites jointly when it comes to finances, assets, properties etc… it’s always male dominated.  In Hindu marriage act, both spouses can claim alimony from each other whereas the special marriage entitles only wife to claim the alimony. Alimony is mainly divided into four categories: temporary alimony, rehabilitative alimony, permanent alimony and reimbursement alimony….

I wish to highlight in this blog what Indian women need to in case of alimony negotiation and suggest go for an MOU and settle the matters out of court and seek mutual consent divorce after your needs are met :

1.    Ensure the cause for seeking divorce is very strong, there should be enough evidence on you been subjected to domestic violence and are a victim on cruelty by husband and his family

2.    Length of marriage plays a vital role in deciding the alimony amount, shorter marriages should focus on settling a one-time alimony instead of monthly maintenance

3.    Know what you exactly want, don’t just focus on the amount or assets; showcase your needs and the reason behind the demand (inflation, child’s education, your disability, current status and lifestyle, healthcare expenses etc…). Rank your priorities and put forth the top priority first and keep the meagre ones at the end

4.    Give time, there is nothing called “My Way of High Way”, negotiation process takes time, be patient and if required hire a professional who can negotiate on your behalf, take off your ego from the table. Don’t get into threatening and use the words like “Look what I will do … etc…” don’t label your behavior or offer options / choices for your husband to choose from. Remember buying time builds up tension; use this method very carefully but not often

5.    Statistics and Data are important, collect data on various assets, income doorways etc… of your spouse this will be a very handy piece of evidence during the negotiation process, use the data carefully after you have done all your homework Subtly nudging them toward your choice

6.    Women often are emotional and during the negotiations cry or burst out with anger, take control on your emotions and be cool, don’t get angry or cry, this shows your weakness, maintain the cool / composure during negotiation, keep in mind you are facing the problem and not the people although its people around you

7.    Educate the other party with facts and evidence, don’t simply stick to a number you have decided, showcase with data why you need this amount and the rationale behind the ask. State your case, clearly and completely. Change the benchmarks of good and bad, try Bring up new information you have found

8.    Don’t burn the bridges, keep the communication on… in many a cases women walk out of the negotiation table siting the humiliation, seek help from your counsel to negotiate on your behalf, New person can reset the rules and strengthen your value preposition, I often suggest Persuade one person at a time and then use them as allies

9.    Focus on WIN – win strategy, with a bigger WIN coming your way, discuss with your lawyer and do your complete homework without leaving any stone unturned, remember to brake one deal to smaller multiple deals swaying them your way.  If you just put across one big option then the chances of that ending up into an argument and killing time are high. Offer to agree in the half way position

10.  Don’t open up all options at one go, go slow and put your points and let the opposite party come up with his options before your further open up, remember to keep the process in your control, Offer to phase in or phase out the unpleasant bits and sometimes or act stupid to avoid cleaver stuff, catch the opposite party off the ground not expecting you to behave dumb

11.  Beyond currency or money are other assets too… (Stocks, Bonds, Mutual Funds, Property, Gold, Dividends, etc…) keep options open and don’t stick on a number, refuse to agree on the table immediately, say you are open to such a point but wait for the opposite party to put across more points.

12.  Although you are earning, try prove your point the need is beyond what you can sustain from your earnings, fall back on data and gather information ( for eg: all that you earn may end up paying rent and healthcare expenses of your parents, remember as per the new law amendment women are equally responsible to take care of their parents just like men)

13.  Remember, great negotiation is more about listening then about talking, once someone on the table says YES, then document the point and move on don’t argue further on that point

14.  When someone from the opposite party, it could be the husband or his family members or his counsel objects don’t argue or become defensive, instead ask for clarification, ask a WHY Question, you will be surprised if you ask “WHY” or ask data to prove the objection raised the opposite party will not be able to come up with an answer and you can prove your point then. Human psychology plays a vital role here, ask WHY and you can surprise the best negotiators on the table if they have not done their homework

15.  Remember while negotiation, one the important fact is to bear in mind is to craft your process in such a way that will make your husband defenceless, being with him after marriage you definitely know all his strengths and weakness, you also very well know his emotional buttons that when you press them right he agrees to your wants.

16.  Keep the discussions result oriented, its often seen during the negotiation process, old memories come up and the discussion sways more towards a new quarrel instead of point in focus and this indicates a bad publicity and lead into negative consequences.

17.  Remember to be wise and not smart, you need not show how smart you are, let him feel the pride but you need to be wise to ensure your wants are met, say you understand and empathize but don’t agree as your needs outweigh his situations. Suggest a solution and see if they can bite and push them up against the wall of time.

18.  Put your concerns on the table, in my personal experience I can confidently quote there will always be a family member from your spouse side who will sympathize with you, utilize him/her and try to influence the process by siting your concerns, although it’s your demand showcase as a concern and not ego driving the wants

19.  Avoid using “I” statements and instead use something like “We need to reach a resolution which is in favor of both of us adding speed to the process” One other tip which is very important is when you sit for negotiation is the art of speaking, Effective use of speech pauses is a master technique, the power of silence speaks volumes, don’t blabber your point and speak continuously, pauses convey your emotions, holds the attention of distracted audience and replace filler words. You can pause over a question, impactful sentence or a past memory that you quote. Step out and take a break, especially when you see things are getting out of your control, this will break the heat and the flow, come back and start with fresh mind.

20.  Engage with your body language, the body language and conduct during the negotiation process plays a vital role, many a time although you are enraged and uncomfortable put efforts to make yourself in composure drink water often during the negotiation, this will give your time. Not only will this aid your brain (by providing more oxygen), but your vocal quality will be enhanced by keeping your mouth and throat lubricated. The greatest leaders and influencers who speak often resort to this tip… if you observe our beloved prime minister during the interview process or when he is speaking takes a pause and drinks some water. Another psychology behind pausing and drinking water is to break and distract the thought process of the opposite party, break up their thinking and take charge.

While there is more to this subject, I believe the reader would benefit with the above 20 tips to strengthen your proposition. Feel free to write into me at lawyersonia@gmail.com and comment below on what you feel, You may wish to share your experience and add more tips per your experience by commenting on this post. 

How to save a marriage – 10 ways to avoid divorce

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person, alas… if this is practiced in reality the divorce rate today would have been way down then what it is. The rate of divorce in India is about 17 per 1,000 marriages. Divorces granted by the family courts increased by 450 per cent between 2003 and 2015 in Kolkata, and doubled in Mumbai between 2010 and 2014. 

Bangalore along has witnessed a 20% year on year growth in divorce rate, almost 25 cases of divorce were filed daily back in 2008 clocking near about 3000 a year which today has grown to 10,000 cases filed in a year. While the heavens are handling the rush of marriages, back on earth, it's the family courts that are working overtime to dissolve marriages that have hit the relationship roadblock.

It’s close to a decade I am practicing and in my experience handling divorce cases, I have discovered 10 golden rules if incorporated in a marital life the relationship can be as sweet as honey…, and in this blog, will try to pass on the message and assist the readers understand them, with a belief that reading this someone … somewhere may be able to save his/her marriage and live happily.   

1. The most important, and a one letter word is the first cause of damage, and this letter is “ I ” , look at it, when its written, although alone, is written in capitals. No matter what language, stop using this word “ I “ as much as possible. Many a times when couples come to me for discussing the issues the most common statements are…
a. I did so much for him / her 
b. I did so much for my mother-in-law
c. I spent and fulfilled all her unnecessary demands
d. and because I did… I want … I need … I demand … I helped … I supported … etc… etc… 

2. Now just for a moment turn the tables and instead of using this single letter word “ I “ start incorporating the usage of a double letter word “WE” in your communication …, its “We” together did … “We” together will … etc…, per my experience in the last few years dealing with divorce cases, especially after the divorce is thru many a clients have come back to me and do tell… wish we had got one chance, and somehow…

3. EGO is the three letter word which is the underlying factor, the root cause, that comes between the couples and this is exactly where We becomes I, find ways to get out of Ego. Learn to be cool and take things in their right ways, get away from thinking traps, chose to love and get away from complains. We are kids from heart… and we do mistakes… we talk harsh many a times… we may hurt many a people… learn to forgive. 

4. LOVE … a four letter word that is the principle of forgiveness…, Love kills ego that has turned the WE into I, love unconditionally, any time there is a conflict, go back to the days when you met first, cherish few memories from your past where you have loved each other unconditionally. Unfortunately today’s generation, relationships can be summarized with one statement “Love at first sight-Divorce at first fight” is this what we want to pass on to our Millennials, where are we heading towards, a stress filled life...!

5. What can be done to overcome this stress that is building up in us, SMILE, how often we smile daily, not sure, ask yourself reading this post and try counting the numbers of times you have smiled in a day, a stressful day that is filled with family stress, traffic stress, work stress, money stress, business stress, health related stress, accomplish related stress, etc… stress is everywhere and who becomes the scapegoat of this… your spouse, you come back home and pour out all your stress on to your spouse, husband shouts on wife and wife shouts on husband and then … rest is history. We have lost to SMILE…, how often we have seen the face book messages and whatsapp forwards that “According to doctors we use only four muscles to smile, but when we frown we use 64 muscles, i.e… 16 times more”

6. GOSSIP a six letter word is another root cause that often adds a lot of unnecessary waste in our minds leading to thinking traps and build unwanted stress, many a clients who often complain and I quote “Ma’am, in my family, after my husband leaves for work, while I am doing household things, my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, often gossip about me, and then badmouth me / my family etc…”  look at the media that is adding fuel to the fire, “SAAS BHI KABHI BAHU THI” ha ha ha… this is one of the most common things I have observed, many a marriages break especially when In-Laws are involved is because of Gossip, please, for haven sake, stop gossiping, stop spreading rumors, stop badmouthing. I remember reading a quote which said I am Daughter-In-Law of this family means DIL of the family, Dil in English is Heart, … literally meaning Daughter-In-Law is the heart of the family, and what is happening today… heartburn and heartattcks…

7. RESPECT a seven letter word the only way to stop gossiping about someone is to respect him/her, with respect comes a lot of responsibility, with respect comes a lot of love, if you wish to be treated respectfully start giving respect to your spouse, to your in-laws, to your family members, to the newly wed bride who has come to your home leaving her family, to the newly married husband who has declared to the whole world now there is a companion in life he can live with for ever, to the newly wed wife who has redefined her life leaving back the chocolates and ice-creams for additional responsibilities. Respect plays a very vital role in the relationship, remember respect is for those who deserve it and not the one who demand it, many a times we don’t understand the difference between deserving and demanding, especially the in-laws at home end up demanding respect weather they deserve it or not and the most common verse the parents teach to their daughters is “Jukh kar chal” in English meaning bow down in front of your in-laws and husband and we in the 21st century talk about gender equality… ah… Respect is to be earned, by all in the relationship, it should be earned by the husband, by the wife, by the in-laws and to earn respect you need to let go your EGO, Stop Gossiping, start loving and caring unconditionally, above all smile often… remember wife or daughter-in-law is not a maid and a husband is not an ATM machine. 

8. PATIANCE an eight letter word is the magical of all the words defined so far in the vocabulary of a relationship, it has a lot to do, go back and sneak into the lives of our parents and grandparents, the biggest learning one can learn from them can be summarized by a very famous quote an old lady told “We were born in the era, when something was broken, we would fix it, not throw it away”. It takes a lot to be patient, todays millennial generation lacks patience, everything one needs is instant, gone are the days of standing in queue, gone are the days of waiting, look at the fast changing technology landscape that has reduced the cycle time of your needs and wants, and so … gone are the days of patience … its difficult today, but required the most. 


9. GRATITUDE a nine letter word, the most miraculous one and has the capacity of working wonders in a marital relationship, what I have observed when discussed with many of my clients that after a period of time one starts taking another for granted, the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness which existed in the initial days of marriage between the spouse, the parents of both sides, the families, everything is lost in thin air, when was the last time we said our spouse “I Love You” or “Thank you”, have we ever gone back to our spouse and thanked him/her for supporting us in fulfilling our dreams…goals…desires…wants…needs… NO we have not… all we do is increase the bar … year on year as our corporate life demands us to set high goals, we come back and do the same with our spouse, marriage anniversary is not an appraisal. Start showing gratitude towards your people in the family, to your wife, to your husband, appreciate them for the good they have done, be thankful, you will see miracles unfolding your way. 

10. CONNECTION ... the last ten letter word, I will end this blog with is CONNECTION. You may carry the best smart phone in your pocket, what is it of use without being connected, it’s a connected world we live in, and unfortunately we are not connected by heart with our family, with the wife, with the husband, with the parents, with the siblings, with one and all, we are living alone and we are disconnected. The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen, perhaps the most important thing we give to each other is our attention. Throughout our lives we yearn to be loved and cared, this deep routed feeling is the crux for one to find a companion beyond mother and sister in a wife to be by the ups and downs lifelong, and for this to happen, the most important factor is to connect. Connect with mind…heart…body…soul…, Remember we don’t accomplish in this world anything alone, our lives are connected by thousands of threads with thousands of people in every stream of our life, one needs to have the strongest connection with his/her spouse and then nothing is impossible in life. 

I trust, reading this blog post you will for sure takeaway at least one of the above mentioned value which may assist you in some small way to lead a happy life…, write to me at lawyersonia@gmail.com or comment below on this post and share your thoughts. 

Men... the victims of Domestic Violence

Disclaimer: the intention of this article is not to weaken the struggles women face with domestic violence but also to bring in some light on the issues faced by men. Domestic violence is no longer only a women issue but impacts both sexes equally.

Over the past few years, 'domestic violence' has been defined as vehemence by men against women and children, and women's viciousness against their male partners has been considered to be either absent, or the fault of men, or has been underestimated and justified in a variety of ways to an extent where this interpretation of violence implies further that women's aggression is a reaction to men's actions toward them, blaming the victim for his plight. It is argued, for instance, that a wife who beats her husband has herself been beaten and that her violence is the violence of self-defence.

When one hears the words ‘Domestic violence’ we picture about a woman being beaten by a man… a child living in terror of an arrogant father figure … a woman with bruised face, cowering indoors afraid to upset an unstable male partner… The deep-seated prescription of domestic violence as a woman’s problem, and not a social problem affecting both sexes and their children, is now strongly entrenched in societal attitudes of various western cultures, men in India too have become vocal about this, but the public indifference towards men still exists and this not only deters many male victims from reporting intimate abuse against them, even when they have suffered severe violence, but also reinforces stereotypical attitudes towards them by police forces and social agencies, so that if they do report, they are often disbelieved or ridiculed. Unfortunately in India, Domestic violence against men in India is not recognized by the law and like women, men also find it hard to get out of abusive relationships.

An estimated 835,000 men are physically assaulted by intimate partners every year, according to the National Coalition against Domestic Violence. In recent years, there has been a spurt in the number of men who have been physically abused by their wives. Although the trauma may be the same, the methods of inflicting abuse vary. "Men are stronger and hit their wives, but women, in many cases, ask another man — their brother, father, friend or hired goons — to assault their husbands. About 1650 Husbands aged between 15-49 years and selected through random sampling were interviewed using a schedule adapted from the WHO multicounty study on Husband's health and domestic violence. The study looked at all four aspects of domestic violence — Economical, Emotional, Physical and Sexual. Economical violence was found to be the commonest with 32.8% respondents saying they had faced it at least once, followed by emotional (22.2%), by physical (25.2%) and sexual violence (17.7%). An interesting finding was that the probability of violence increased significantly with the duration of marriage particularly if it was more than seven years old.

In my experience counselling and attending to various cases, one key factor I have observed that men shy away from voicing out their problems for reasons including the welfare and access to children, in most of the cases men don’t report or brush aside and continue to stay in an abusive relationship because of the factors involving their parents. One of the cases my client told its very embarrassing for him to go back and tell his mother that his wife is harassing him and his mother being a heart patient will not be able to tolerate the trauma because it was a love marriage against his mother’s will. Another instance was an NRI husband who is married to an Indian girl faces a lot of challenges where the girls family troubles him for money matters. There are few cases of adultery where the wife is involved in but the husband for the very status in the society although coming to know about such things was unable to do anything but seek a separation on some other grounds and meet the demands of his wife during the separation process.

What should men do and how can law / lawyer help…?

In case of False Acquisitions

The most frequent form of abuse that I have come across in my practice is wife falsely filing a case against husband and her in-laws and misusing 498A. In such instances the husband and family approach the lawyer to get an anticipatory bail to protect them and then continue to fight the case which often leads to marital separation.

Having assisted individuals facing a false accusation of domestic violence for several years, I have personally experienced several incidences where my clients were charged with domestic violence crimes for which I knew they were not guilty. It’s always good to be proactive and with the help of a lawyer file the case against the wife in the nearest police station and send a legal notice to wife stating her intentions are being challenged in the court of law and under any circumstance any further false acquisition or false compliant will not hold any good any more. Being proactive is the best possible solution to overcome false acquisitions. Secondly, ensure you protect your valuables, properties, bank information, passwords,  and belongings that can be under potential threat in case of such accusations and finally stop shying away and notify family members and close friends about the abuse you are going thru which will act as an evidence in later times.  

In case of Emotional / Mental Abuse

Emotional abuse of men is the same as emotional abuse of women: it is acts, including verbal assault, that make a person feel less self-worth or dignity. Emotional abuse of men makes them feel like less of a person. Male victims of emotional abuse may experience partners that: Yell and scream, Threaten them and try to induce fear, Insult and demean them; tell them they are not worth the trouble

Socially isolate them, Lie or withhold information, Treat them like a child or servant, Control all the finances and try humiliating them condemning their sexuality. Having social contacts controlled. Being stopped from seeing or talking to friends and family. Being restricted access to the outside world / groups / organizations is another form of emotional / mental abuse one suffers.

In case of Emotional Abuse, it’s essential for men to ensure they seek help thru counselling or legal advice. Few actions men prefer to take in such cases are to leave the relationship or keep evidence of abuse for possible legal action but not retaliate to make the matters worst. A recent landmark judgement was passed in favour of the husband when his wife used to emotional abuse him calling him an elephant, While hearing a plea of a Delhi-based businessman, who faced cruelty and humiliation at the hands of his wife for being overweight and incapable of satisfying her sexual desires, the Delhi High Court recently ruled that calling your spouse ‘mota haathi’ (fat elephant) is a valid ground for divorce. In this case the woman said that the allegations levied on her were vague and non-specific. She argued that the man could not give specific instances of alleged cruelty with dates, time and particulars to which the court observed when two parties are in a marital relationship, neither is expected to maintain a logbook and note down therein each and every instance of matrimonial offence committed by the other.

In case of Economical or Financial Abuse

Victims in this case are forced to hand over their pay cheques to their partner; may not be given access to their own bank statements and other financial documents; may have money withheld or be forced to leave take heavy debt to meet unnecessary demands; abuse of credit cards, be coerced into signing bank loans and other financial documents; may lose their job because of the stress of family violence affecting their performance, some instances where wife’s family members demand monitory assistance, instances where husbands are not allowed to share / part money with their parents etc…

Economical abuse is one of its worst form where a man is found to be in a miserable state almost living a life of a slave puppet in the hands of his wife and wife’s family, the men should retaliate to this form of abuse and seek legal advice, or take a stand to mutually agree with legal documentation in place on the limitations one should put towards expenses and in-law interference in money matters. In one of the cases expressing concern over rift between couples due to parents' persistent interference in their daughter's married life, Justice Kailash Gambhir upheld a lower court's decree of divorce to a man on the ground of his in-laws' frequent interference in his marital life. Parents should not become uninvited judges of problems of their daughter, become an obstacle in the daughter's married life, plant thoughts in her mind and gain control over her and promote disharmony in her family life, the judge said.

In case of Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is not suffered by women only, men too are victims. Today’s society with access to the internet is more advanced (pervert) then what is was before. There have been several instances where men undergo sexual abuse. The stress that has built up in the urban lifestyle coupled with many lifestyle health and fitness issues have left a bad taste in the marital life, women in some cases have resorted to various means to derive sadistic pleasure from their partners and also have gone to an extent seeking pleasure outside marriage, adultery in case of wife is not punishable offence. Various forms of sexual abuse exist in the society arising out of sheer dissatisfaction in marital life or simply vengeance that wife carries towards her husband. Cheating on the husband is another form of emotional sexual abuse which is grave in its kind leading to extreme disharmony in marital life. Many men in abusive relationships do not feel in control of their own sex life, their partners may demand or coerce intercourse, may make derisory comments about their manhood or ridicule them in public. Many men also experience "sex as a reward for good behaviour" and the opposite of being denied any intimacy if they have (knowingly or not) done something to displease their partners, as being an abusive use of sexuality.

Suffering in any kind is not a sign of happy married life, men have all rights to file complaints against their wife for the untoward behavior, the emotional damage done is to a very great extent in such cases and no matter how much of counselling conducted levees very less chances for the scars to vanish. In such cases the only resort often happens is separation, more often than not the reason for separation will be emotional stress caused and very less cases the victims will open up with the facts of abuse.

Times are changing and there are various forums / men rights social organizations and NGOs who are upholding rights for men. There are various self-help forums for men and communities formed where men can feel free to discuss their issues. It’s a tough stand one needs to take, the society we live in and keeping in mind the future life often we tend to amicably resolve issues and in very less time want to get out form a troubled relationship, vengeance will not resolve the purpose, there are cases that are filed in the courts of law which are still awaiting their turn to come up for hearing and life continues to suffer. The intelligent prefer to get out of trouble and mutually agree for whatever good or bad to part off and continue new life…

For those looking for ways in which they can help defend their charges in a court of law, seeking out a consultation from a skilled domestic violence lawyer in your best interest can reach out to me writing into lawyersonia@gmail.com for any guidance and legal assistance.