How to save a marriage – 10 ways to avoid divorce

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person, alas… if this is practiced in reality the divorce rate today would have been way down then what it is. The rate of divorce in India is about 17 per 1,000 marriages. Divorces granted by the family courts increased by 450 per cent between 2003 and 2015 in Kolkata, and doubled in Mumbai between 2010 and 2014. 

Bangalore along has witnessed a 20% year on year growth in divorce rate, almost 25 cases of divorce were filed daily back in 2008 clocking near about 3000 a year which today has grown to 10,000 cases filed in a year. While the heavens are handling the rush of marriages, back on earth, it's the family courts that are working overtime to dissolve marriages that have hit the relationship roadblock.

It’s close to a decade I am practicing and in my experience handling divorce cases, I have discovered 10 golden rules if incorporated in a marital life the relationship can be as sweet as honey…, and in this blog, will try to pass on the message and assist the readers understand them, with a belief that reading this someone … somewhere may be able to save his/her marriage and live happily.   

1. The most important, and a one letter word is the first cause of damage, and this letter is “ I ” , look at it, when its written, although alone, is written in capitals. No matter what language, stop using this word “ I “ as much as possible. Many a times when couples come to me for discussing the issues the most common statements are…
a. I did so much for him / her 
b. I did so much for my mother-in-law
c. I spent and fulfilled all her unnecessary demands
d. and because I did… I want … I need … I demand … I helped … I supported … etc… etc… 

2. Now just for a moment turn the tables and instead of using this single letter word “ I “ start incorporating the usage of a double letter word “WE” in your communication …, its “We” together did … “We” together will … etc…, per my experience in the last few years dealing with divorce cases, especially after the divorce is thru many a clients have come back to me and do tell… wish we had got one chance, and somehow…

3. EGO is the three letter word which is the underlying factor, the root cause, that comes between the couples and this is exactly where We becomes I, find ways to get out of Ego. Learn to be cool and take things in their right ways, get away from thinking traps, chose to love and get away from complains. We are kids from heart… and we do mistakes… we talk harsh many a times… we may hurt many a people… learn to forgive. 

4. LOVE … a four letter word that is the principle of forgiveness…, Love kills ego that has turned the WE into I, love unconditionally, any time there is a conflict, go back to the days when you met first, cherish few memories from your past where you have loved each other unconditionally. Unfortunately today’s generation, relationships can be summarized with one statement “Love at first sight-Divorce at first fight” is this what we want to pass on to our Millennials, where are we heading towards, a stress filled life...!

5. What can be done to overcome this stress that is building up in us, SMILE, how often we smile daily, not sure, ask yourself reading this post and try counting the numbers of times you have smiled in a day, a stressful day that is filled with family stress, traffic stress, work stress, money stress, business stress, health related stress, accomplish related stress, etc… stress is everywhere and who becomes the scapegoat of this… your spouse, you come back home and pour out all your stress on to your spouse, husband shouts on wife and wife shouts on husband and then … rest is history. We have lost to SMILE…, how often we have seen the face book messages and whatsapp forwards that “According to doctors we use only four muscles to smile, but when we frown we use 64 muscles, i.e… 16 times more”

6. GOSSIP a six letter word is another root cause that often adds a lot of unnecessary waste in our minds leading to thinking traps and build unwanted stress, many a clients who often complain and I quote “Ma’am, in my family, after my husband leaves for work, while I am doing household things, my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, often gossip about me, and then badmouth me / my family etc…”  look at the media that is adding fuel to the fire, “SAAS BHI KABHI BAHU THI” ha ha ha… this is one of the most common things I have observed, many a marriages break especially when In-Laws are involved is because of Gossip, please, for haven sake, stop gossiping, stop spreading rumors, stop badmouthing. I remember reading a quote which said I am Daughter-In-Law of this family means DIL of the family, Dil in English is Heart, … literally meaning Daughter-In-Law is the heart of the family, and what is happening today… heartburn and heartattcks…

7. RESPECT a seven letter word the only way to stop gossiping about someone is to respect him/her, with respect comes a lot of responsibility, with respect comes a lot of love, if you wish to be treated respectfully start giving respect to your spouse, to your in-laws, to your family members, to the newly wed bride who has come to your home leaving her family, to the newly married husband who has declared to the whole world now there is a companion in life he can live with for ever, to the newly wed wife who has redefined her life leaving back the chocolates and ice-creams for additional responsibilities. Respect plays a very vital role in the relationship, remember respect is for those who deserve it and not the one who demand it, many a times we don’t understand the difference between deserving and demanding, especially the in-laws at home end up demanding respect weather they deserve it or not and the most common verse the parents teach to their daughters is “Jukh kar chal” in English meaning bow down in front of your in-laws and husband and we in the 21st century talk about gender equality… ah… Respect is to be earned, by all in the relationship, it should be earned by the husband, by the wife, by the in-laws and to earn respect you need to let go your EGO, Stop Gossiping, start loving and caring unconditionally, above all smile often… remember wife or daughter-in-law is not a maid and a husband is not an ATM machine. 

8. PATIANCE an eight letter word is the magical of all the words defined so far in the vocabulary of a relationship, it has a lot to do, go back and sneak into the lives of our parents and grandparents, the biggest learning one can learn from them can be summarized by a very famous quote an old lady told “We were born in the era, when something was broken, we would fix it, not throw it away”. It takes a lot to be patient, todays millennial generation lacks patience, everything one needs is instant, gone are the days of standing in queue, gone are the days of waiting, look at the fast changing technology landscape that has reduced the cycle time of your needs and wants, and so … gone are the days of patience … its difficult today, but required the most. 


9. GRATITUDE a nine letter word, the most miraculous one and has the capacity of working wonders in a marital relationship, what I have observed when discussed with many of my clients that after a period of time one starts taking another for granted, the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness which existed in the initial days of marriage between the spouse, the parents of both sides, the families, everything is lost in thin air, when was the last time we said our spouse “I Love You” or “Thank you”, have we ever gone back to our spouse and thanked him/her for supporting us in fulfilling our dreams…goals…desires…wants…needs… NO we have not… all we do is increase the bar … year on year as our corporate life demands us to set high goals, we come back and do the same with our spouse, marriage anniversary is not an appraisal. Start showing gratitude towards your people in the family, to your wife, to your husband, appreciate them for the good they have done, be thankful, you will see miracles unfolding your way. 

10. CONNECTION ... the last ten letter word, I will end this blog with is CONNECTION. You may carry the best smart phone in your pocket, what is it of use without being connected, it’s a connected world we live in, and unfortunately we are not connected by heart with our family, with the wife, with the husband, with the parents, with the siblings, with one and all, we are living alone and we are disconnected. The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen, perhaps the most important thing we give to each other is our attention. Throughout our lives we yearn to be loved and cared, this deep routed feeling is the crux for one to find a companion beyond mother and sister in a wife to be by the ups and downs lifelong, and for this to happen, the most important factor is to connect. Connect with mind…heart…body…soul…, Remember we don’t accomplish in this world anything alone, our lives are connected by thousands of threads with thousands of people in every stream of our life, one needs to have the strongest connection with his/her spouse and then nothing is impossible in life. 

I trust, reading this blog post you will for sure takeaway at least one of the above mentioned value which may assist you in some small way to lead a happy life…, write to me at lawyersonia@gmail.com or comment below on this post and share your thoughts. 

How to get a Marriage Certificate in Bangalore

Very soon it’s going to be mandatory document, for including your spouse's name in the ration card and no employer can offer a job to any married individual without verifying his/her marriage certificate.


These are some of the guidelines laid down by the Karnataka government in its draft legislation on making marriage registration compulsory in the state. The government has now sought the legal opinion of the National Law School of India University (NLSIU) before finalizing the legislation.


After Maharashtra and Kerala, Karnataka will be the third state to take this step. All this started was to curb the fake marriage bureaus involved in trafficking of women to Dubai or other countries in the name of marriage. What I have noticed while handling many a cases is absence of this vital document makes it very difficult to file a case against a groom who has troubled her bride, cases of women harassment or violence against women has become very high now a days, while there are many fake cases filed only to trouble the poor husbands but there are few genuine cases too where in the husbands and the lawyers at the other end start the argument stating this women is not married to the guy at all… what a pity… !


Thinking compensation is a farfetched there are instances where these girls can’t file an fir in the absence of an official document supporting their marriage in some cases…, few women organizations that I interact with also show their helplessness in taking any action in such cases where girls elope and then land in trouble in case of husbands running away or absconding after a period of time or instances where men have married to two girls… one in the community and the other where the girl has eloped there is no evidence to prove if there was a marriage done at all…


Violence or harassment cases apart… There are instances cases where girls cannot claim the property left behind by their husbands in case of his demise and the only reason being there is no evidence of their marriage being on records…. In case there is no evidence inform of any other document or videos or photographs which then need to be proved to be true in the court and by then months or years would have passed away…. I have seen instances where the woman becomes a widow; the family members of the husband simply disown the woman and excuse her of all rights to inherit any of the husband’s wealth.


The 1955 Hindu marriage act does not make it mandatory to register the marriage but section 8(2) has made provisions to the state government to make marriage registrations mandatory and so have Maharashtra and Kerala taken full advantage of this section and now hope Karnataka too walks this way.


People think it’s difficult to make this certificate… or many of them with whom I speak too tell it’s a time consuming process or there are grey areas which we are not aware on how to get the certificate done. There are two approaches that I suggest…


1. Approach a lawyer and he/she will facilitate and get this certificate done for you

2. Read the rest of the blog and you can do it on your own.


Here are the steps to get the certificate


a. Visit the nearest sub registrar office in your area of residence


b. You will find an application form either in the sub registrar office itself or just next to the sub registrar office there will be a Xerox shop where you can get this form. This is a green color paper form which cost you Rs. 10/-


c. Fill in the details in the form, if there is a name change of the bride after the marriage ensures you write the new name and not the old name which was printed on the wedding card.


d. You need this form to be signed by three Witness, could be your relatives or friends


e. Eight additional documents (Original and one Photocopy each of age, id, name change proof) required to be submitted with the form are as follows


    I. 2B size six (6) Photographs of the couple with a blue or white background
    II. One wedding photograph
    III. One Wedding Card
    IV. One Identity proof for both bride and groom (Pan Card or Voter ID etc…)
    V. One Address proof of the husband,(Passport, DL, Tele Bill, Ration Card, Aadhar Card)
    VI. Age Proof (10th Std. Marks card or Passport)
    VII. Affidavit in case of name change of the bride after marriage
    VIII. Photocopy of the newspaper where the name change info was published


f. After the form is filled you need to meet the desk clerk at the sub registrar office who will verify for the information and see if something is missing, he will then ask you to reach another window where a Data entry operator will fill in the information you have provided in the application from to the computer and provide you 6 printouts which you need to bring it back to the desk clerk.


g. The desk clerk will then ask his assistant to affix the 2B size photographs to the printouts and then will attest the photocopies and attach the wedding photograph, wedding card and other documents you provided to the application from.


h. You and your spouse need to sign on all the six printouts such a way where half of the signature appears on the photograph and the other half on the paper.


i. After this steps is completed, the clerk then asks the peon or his assistant to take the copies to the registrar and collect final stamp and sign.


j. The sub registrar’s office will retain four copies and hand over one copy of this document to you and one copy to your spouse.


k. Two original certificates are given one to the boy and one to the girl wishing them a happy married life and the clerk advices that they should hold this copy if they have to claim any stake or in case of any dispute that will need legal action, he also advices in case you have lost or misplaced the certificate please visit back to the sub registrar’s office and the needful be done.


l. There will be a fees collected by the sub registrar to complete the certification  


Note: In case of Intercaste Marriage, or NRI Marriage, or Marriage between citizens of two different nationals the time taken to complete the process of fetching the marriage certificate is 30 days. Additional documentation and proofs are required depending on the country and religion ones comes from. 

So friends … after reading this blog if you have any more questions or doubts you may wish to reach me on my mail id at lawyersonia@gmail.com and I will reply back to you. 

If any assistance from my end is required you may wish to fix an appointment with me and reach me at my residence or office.


Wish you a happy married life.

Bail

One of the most important things that have come across my end is the matters around Bail. Traditionally, bail is some form of property deposited or pledged to a court to persuade it to release a suspect from jail, on the understanding that the suspect will return for trial or forfeit the bail (and possibly be brought up on charges of the crime of failure to appear). In some cases bail money may be returned at the end of the trial, if all court appearances are made, regardless of whether the person is found guilty or not guilty of the crime accused.
12th September 2009, Saturday early hours of the day I got a call from the police station to meet a family who was behind bars… I had never handled any bail matter on my own independently, it was always with my senior or someone in the staff used to do most of the work for me. Unfortunately my senior was not available… nor was anybody in the staff reachable. I reached the station drenched in rain and met the cop to understand the issue in detail… the family was in pain… guilty or not is not of much importance in the profession on the step one… often if you scrub data you will find the innocent more behind bars than the guilty… any way this was a challenge for me… I had to do it all alone… right from drafting … filing at the court… and getting the family back to their homes…
I ran to the court… pulled a paper from my bag and started to draft… suddenly I realized why take much trouble instead looked in my laptop and pulled an old draft template… luckily computers have made work more easy now a days… took a copy and made required alterations in the template and was ready with all required materials by 10:40 AM… good luck… I got a call from my senior and all that she told is best of luck… collect the fees and return to the office … wasn’t that funny… but that’s profession… if we do it out of charity how will our office run, none the less after hearing to the cries of the family I somewhere knew they are not guilty and I had made up my mind to help them.
11:00 AM, Magistrate court, Bangalore I moved the application and good I got a time to revisit the court at 3:00 PM. I came down and went to the ganapathi temple prayed god … came to the parking picked my bike and reached to the office… told my senior the entire story and she educated me with a little more on professionalism… there were a couple of things like the lawyers contract and discussion with the clients that had to be documented too… well we then went to the police station together and I saw how my senior was speaking to the cop… the way she spoke to the client and it was a learning experience to me. I actually had a mixed feeling was unable to understand how to be so cut throat but this profession is so… love your clients and you lose out to be professional… my senior told me of a given hundred folks less than a 10 will pay you for your efforts and others once out of trouble… they will thank you and you will not get what you deserve..., this is how the profession is… none the less it was 3:00 and my time to visit the court and argue to get the family out from the station.
3:00 PM, Magistrate court, Bangalore… I was back at the court and started my arguments, it’s not what we watch in movies or television serials … the arguments are more sober and to the point by 3:45 I was thru and at 5:00 after paying the required money at the court I was able to get the orders for them and finally they were out of the station.
I had asked them to meet us with the fees for the work done the entire day at 6:00 to the office… to my surprise and much to what my senior had predicted they did not arrive… I called up to follow up asking on why they did not arrive and in reply I learnt they were at the temple offering prayers and will come to meet us on Monday. I told them about the fees and provided them all the info that my senior had discussed.
21st September 2009, Monday 11:00 AM I had a knock at the office and this person arrived, he looked more confident from what I saw him at the station on Saturday, it’s a funny world folks when in trouble were willing to do whatever and now he was negotiating on the fees with my senior… there are many more instances but this was my first one where I learnt two things… don’t be emotional with clients… be professional and let your clients know in advance what they will expect as fees and other funds involved. Now this is the advantage when you work under a senior … all that you are jittery to speak to the client you have your senior who speaks and the good thing is clients when discuss with seniors are more willing to do simply obey them… it’s not the seniority but the way folks speak and this is what is called experience.
Reach me at 9845944896 or email me at lawyersonia@gmail.com if you need any advice or if you are in trouble… I understand what one goes thru in such a situation ...

The Divorce Petition

Well begun is half done…
"If you have a good beginning, you are quite likely going to have a great outcome.”

50% of the battle is won on the basis of the good drafting of the Divorce Petition. I have spent hours together on understanding the best way to draft a petition. We use all of our divorce expertise in drafting of the Petition and lay a strong foundation for the entire contested divorce case… fortunately or unfortunately the computer era has made it much easy to use a template and fill in the blanks… and in few minutes a draft is ready….

I strongly go against this practice… and also recommend folks who are reading my blog and if you are an advocate… take this as a lesson learnt from my past experience … don’t fill in a template and file a divorce case…

I believe, every case is unique in itself, every client who comes to you has a unique problem, it’s the first time for a client that he/she is going thru a disturbed marriage. There can be various ways to understand the big picture. We just cant classify all cases of domestic violence to be the same like husband is abusive towards the wife… you listen to the client and use a template that has few statements on physical abuse and verbal abuse etc… and write a draft…

My success has been when I am with the client and understand in detail what she is speaking, listen, see and feel what she is going thru, empathize with her and to the very best explain her what options she has and let her chose the best. Be honest and tell her the truth… explain her what all are the things that will happen after a case is field and the duration and court proceedings. We all know the judiciary… its not magic things will not get resolved in a day or two it takes time… counsel your client and give more than a 100% assurance of effort that you will put in from your side and need a 100% support from the client.

Divorce is not a simple issue its multifarious and complex, hard-core emotions are involved in it, clients when speak to me they sometimes get angry, annoyed, cry etc… its very important to be with them and assure your complete support. Unlike other cases I have seen in my early days of practice a Divorce case is not a dispute for generating revenue or income but a personal battle fought in the Court to get justice.

Drafting a petition is a very crucial and an important stage and it should be effective. Effective drafting involves lot of concentration to every word that your client had shared with you and a lot of effort needs to be put in balancing the legal and personal interest of clients, it takes time and practice, I should have drafted more than a 100 petitions to get a one best after a lot of review.
One other interesting experience of mine that I wish to share in this blog… we often interpret things in a very different way the client has shared with us. We go adding few of our own things and make it a masala mixture that the client may have never experienced in her life. Just to make the case strong we may write something that has never happened. Despite the fact that you are an excellent in your communication skills, its significant to have true issues arising out of genuine facts so that it should make one understand that you have just not filled in the blanks of a ready made divorce petition template or one standard form of Divorce Petition.

You can rely on my experience in getting divorce Petition drafted that is a resonance your true emotions !!!!!