How to save a marriage – 10 ways to avoid divorce

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person, alas… if this is practiced in reality the divorce rate today would have been way down then what it is. The rate of divorce in India is about 17 per 1,000 marriages. Divorces granted by the family courts increased by 450 per cent between 2003 and 2015 in Kolkata, and doubled in Mumbai between 2010 and 2014. 

Bangalore along has witnessed a 20% year on year growth in divorce rate, almost 25 cases of divorce were filed daily back in 2008 clocking near about 3000 a year which today has grown to 10,000 cases filed in a year. While the heavens are handling the rush of marriages, back on earth, it's the family courts that are working overtime to dissolve marriages that have hit the relationship roadblock.

It’s close to a decade I am practicing and in my experience handling divorce cases, I have discovered 10 golden rules if incorporated in a marital life the relationship can be as sweet as honey…, and in this blog, will try to pass on the message and assist the readers understand them, with a belief that reading this someone … somewhere may be able to save his/her marriage and live happily.   

1. The most important, and a one letter word is the first cause of damage, and this letter is “ I ” , look at it, when its written, although alone, is written in capitals. No matter what language, stop using this word “ I “ as much as possible. Many a times when couples come to me for discussing the issues the most common statements are…
a. I did so much for him / her 
b. I did so much for my mother-in-law
c. I spent and fulfilled all her unnecessary demands
d. and because I did… I want … I need … I demand … I helped … I supported … etc… etc… 

2. Now just for a moment turn the tables and instead of using this single letter word “ I “ start incorporating the usage of a double letter word “WE” in your communication …, its “We” together did … “We” together will … etc…, per my experience in the last few years dealing with divorce cases, especially after the divorce is thru many a clients have come back to me and do tell… wish we had got one chance, and somehow…

3. EGO is the three letter word which is the underlying factor, the root cause, that comes between the couples and this is exactly where We becomes I, find ways to get out of Ego. Learn to be cool and take things in their right ways, get away from thinking traps, chose to love and get away from complains. We are kids from heart… and we do mistakes… we talk harsh many a times… we may hurt many a people… learn to forgive. 

4. LOVE … a four letter word that is the principle of forgiveness…, Love kills ego that has turned the WE into I, love unconditionally, any time there is a conflict, go back to the days when you met first, cherish few memories from your past where you have loved each other unconditionally. Unfortunately today’s generation, relationships can be summarized with one statement “Love at first sight-Divorce at first fight” is this what we want to pass on to our Millennials, where are we heading towards, a stress filled life...!

5. What can be done to overcome this stress that is building up in us, SMILE, how often we smile daily, not sure, ask yourself reading this post and try counting the numbers of times you have smiled in a day, a stressful day that is filled with family stress, traffic stress, work stress, money stress, business stress, health related stress, accomplish related stress, etc… stress is everywhere and who becomes the scapegoat of this… your spouse, you come back home and pour out all your stress on to your spouse, husband shouts on wife and wife shouts on husband and then … rest is history. We have lost to SMILE…, how often we have seen the face book messages and whatsapp forwards that “According to doctors we use only four muscles to smile, but when we frown we use 64 muscles, i.e… 16 times more”

6. GOSSIP a six letter word is another root cause that often adds a lot of unnecessary waste in our minds leading to thinking traps and build unwanted stress, many a clients who often complain and I quote “Ma’am, in my family, after my husband leaves for work, while I am doing household things, my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, often gossip about me, and then badmouth me / my family etc…”  look at the media that is adding fuel to the fire, “SAAS BHI KABHI BAHU THI” ha ha ha… this is one of the most common things I have observed, many a marriages break especially when In-Laws are involved is because of Gossip, please, for haven sake, stop gossiping, stop spreading rumors, stop badmouthing. I remember reading a quote which said I am Daughter-In-Law of this family means DIL of the family, Dil in English is Heart, … literally meaning Daughter-In-Law is the heart of the family, and what is happening today… heartburn and heartattcks…

7. RESPECT a seven letter word the only way to stop gossiping about someone is to respect him/her, with respect comes a lot of responsibility, with respect comes a lot of love, if you wish to be treated respectfully start giving respect to your spouse, to your in-laws, to your family members, to the newly wed bride who has come to your home leaving her family, to the newly married husband who has declared to the whole world now there is a companion in life he can live with for ever, to the newly wed wife who has redefined her life leaving back the chocolates and ice-creams for additional responsibilities. Respect plays a very vital role in the relationship, remember respect is for those who deserve it and not the one who demand it, many a times we don’t understand the difference between deserving and demanding, especially the in-laws at home end up demanding respect weather they deserve it or not and the most common verse the parents teach to their daughters is “Jukh kar chal” in English meaning bow down in front of your in-laws and husband and we in the 21st century talk about gender equality… ah… Respect is to be earned, by all in the relationship, it should be earned by the husband, by the wife, by the in-laws and to earn respect you need to let go your EGO, Stop Gossiping, start loving and caring unconditionally, above all smile often… remember wife or daughter-in-law is not a maid and a husband is not an ATM machine. 

8. PATIANCE an eight letter word is the magical of all the words defined so far in the vocabulary of a relationship, it has a lot to do, go back and sneak into the lives of our parents and grandparents, the biggest learning one can learn from them can be summarized by a very famous quote an old lady told “We were born in the era, when something was broken, we would fix it, not throw it away”. It takes a lot to be patient, todays millennial generation lacks patience, everything one needs is instant, gone are the days of standing in queue, gone are the days of waiting, look at the fast changing technology landscape that has reduced the cycle time of your needs and wants, and so … gone are the days of patience … its difficult today, but required the most. 


9. GRATITUDE a nine letter word, the most miraculous one and has the capacity of working wonders in a marital relationship, what I have observed when discussed with many of my clients that after a period of time one starts taking another for granted, the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness which existed in the initial days of marriage between the spouse, the parents of both sides, the families, everything is lost in thin air, when was the last time we said our spouse “I Love You” or “Thank you”, have we ever gone back to our spouse and thanked him/her for supporting us in fulfilling our dreams…goals…desires…wants…needs… NO we have not… all we do is increase the bar … year on year as our corporate life demands us to set high goals, we come back and do the same with our spouse, marriage anniversary is not an appraisal. Start showing gratitude towards your people in the family, to your wife, to your husband, appreciate them for the good they have done, be thankful, you will see miracles unfolding your way. 

10. CONNECTION ... the last ten letter word, I will end this blog with is CONNECTION. You may carry the best smart phone in your pocket, what is it of use without being connected, it’s a connected world we live in, and unfortunately we are not connected by heart with our family, with the wife, with the husband, with the parents, with the siblings, with one and all, we are living alone and we are disconnected. The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen, perhaps the most important thing we give to each other is our attention. Throughout our lives we yearn to be loved and cared, this deep routed feeling is the crux for one to find a companion beyond mother and sister in a wife to be by the ups and downs lifelong, and for this to happen, the most important factor is to connect. Connect with mind…heart…body…soul…, Remember we don’t accomplish in this world anything alone, our lives are connected by thousands of threads with thousands of people in every stream of our life, one needs to have the strongest connection with his/her spouse and then nothing is impossible in life. 

I trust, reading this blog post you will for sure takeaway at least one of the above mentioned value which may assist you in some small way to lead a happy life…, write to me at lawyersonia@gmail.com or comment below on this post and share your thoughts. 

Beaten Down and Silenced Cry... Domestic Violence

In a country with a population 1.2 billion Indians, 48.5% comprise of women. 56% of the total women population are married out of them 7.5% are aged 60+. (Hindu 38.78 %; Muslim 6.5 %; Christian 1.18 %; Sikh 0.88 %; Buddhist 0.38 %; Jain 0.20 %; Others 0.32 %).  

As per a NFHS statistics 37.2 % of ever married women have experienced spousal violence and about once every five minutes an incident of domestic violence is reported, under its legal definition of "cruelty by husband or his relatives".  At all India level, 10.35 % households are female headed and the average size of female headed households is 4 whereas the average household size for male headed households is 6, and surprisingly domestic violence cases often are from homes that are female dominated.

Acts of domestic violence can include physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, and economic abuse. The abuser could be a parent, child, spouse, stepparent, live-in partner, sibling, or other relative. Victims and abusers come from both genders and all age groups. Marital rape is another form of domestic violence in which one spouse is sexually abused by the other. 65% of Indian men believe women should tolerate violence in order to keep the family together, and women sometimes deserve to be beaten. In January 2011, the International Men and Gender Equality Survey (IMAGES) Questionnaire reported that 24% of Indian men had committed sexual violence at some point during their lives.

According to the National Crime Records Bureau of India, reported incidents of crime against women increased 8.3% during 2014, and a crime against a woman is committed every three minutes. In 2013 there were 314,210 reported incidents of crime against women, in 2012 there were 244,270 reported incidents, while in 2011 there were 228,650 reported incidents. Among the crimes committed against women, the crimes of torture and molestation together constitute 65.53%

India’s societal changes have been engineered by women getting access to education and jobs. However on the ground regressive notions and crimes continue to halt women from getting out of their homes and joining the work force. While our Western sisters burned bras in the 1960s for equality, India's women are taking to the streets to demand their right to walk freely without fear from men…

The law surrounding domestic violence and marital rape is complicated. Plus, the facts of each case are unique. There is no single cause of domestic violence, it comes from a combination of factors, including society's attitudes, community responses, and the individual psychology experiences of the abuser and the abused. The biggest challenge is more often than not the women experiencing domestic violence tend to believe it’s a normal behaviour and start falsely believing that the violence against them is punishment for their misbehaviour (as defined by the husband and his family) and for their good behaviour petty rewards like an outing or a movie or a gift is what they should expect… quite unfortunate… many women in India still believe there is no good reason to call police if husband beats wife, and family members too don’t come to the rescue of women when being abused by her husband.

One of my clients reported that her husband used to turn on the TV volume high and then beat her so that family members or others in the home don’t come to know what is happening and also she was under constant depression, malnourished and used to become hysteric. In-laws blamed her of being a mentally ill girl and wanted to get rid of her and so filed a divorce case…

In one other case, the girl had to leave the marital home due to the illegal sexual advances from the father-in-law towards her, the plight of this newly married girl was such where she was living a nightmarish hell without able to communicate to her husband or mother-in-law, with much difficulty and the help of house maid she gathered some strength and opened up the matter to the police…

Often reported by many social activists and NGOs that children become victims of domestic violence, the emotional trauma they go thru seeing the violent episodes between parents and watch in-laws behaving like an animal with their mother makes them social rebels

Alcohol and substance abuse is another big cause to this concern, cases where husband abuses wife under the influence of alcohol and pretends to repent his deed once he comes to his normal senses, the fallacy is that the women being abused fails to understand the behaviour of her husband and lives in her own false believes

Dowry is another problem that adds fuel to the fire; many young women today too are murdered or driven to suicide by continuous harassment and torture by husbands and in-laws in an effort to extort an increased dowry. It’s very important that people realize such facts and take actions well in advance…

The only way to permanently stop domestic violence is for everyone to no longer try to control and abuse those they love. This goal will take educating our kids to respect their romantic partners by demonstrating respectful, healthy relationships with our spouses and partners.

Beyond the one who is a sufferer, we as responsible citizen can play our part in helping avoid such situations in our community…. Few things I believe we can do are…

If your neighbour, friend, co-worker, classmate, mother, sister, daughter, daughter-in-law, niece or cousin is facing Domestic Violence at home, let them know that you will be willing to be a witness or to intervene on their behalf while you are around.

I really liked the idea Bell Bajao campaign, have seen on the television and few social media sties too, If you are the neighbour of a family experiencing Domestic Violence, please take the time to ring their bell when you hear a violent situation happening. You could use the old neighbourly approach of asking to borrow a cup of sugar or some milk as an excuse. If you feel that it could get dangerous, bring another person with you so there will be more than one witness.

If the situation is beyond simple neighbourly intervention, call the police, Provide critical information, such as location, names, contact number, and whether or not you wish the remain anonymous, remember you are a neighbour or a friend and you may not wish show heroism and get into trouble but it’s always good to seek help, you can also seek help from a couple other neighbours and together work to support the victim…

If you fear for your friend, co-worker, classmate, or family member’s life, call or text her once a day at a random time to see if she is all right., remember to be friendly, be sensitive to the situation, unknowingly your act may trigger another episode of violence if you text too much or her husband come to know and starts suspecting you to be a person creating more troubles in their life…

The victim of domestic violence is often either aggressive or too low in self-esteem, be a good listener, counsel her or seek professional counselling. This taboo is not easy for the society to overcome, it will take time may be a couple of decade if very optimistic or may be a couple of centuries… as long as the roots of social evil are strong in the society, as long as the education is limited to theories and lacks empathy, as long as the morals are poor, as long as minds are corrupted, as long as …. as long as … as long as… etc..

It’s our responsibility to act and help and support… you may wish to write to me at lawyersonia@gmail.com for advice and counselling or any legal assistance in lieu with this.

Men are victims too... but they dont often report. ...!

Men don’t actually cry less than women, they just do it differently. Since we never saw our fathers and brothers cry, we are forced to devise our own inimitable imagination, any human who has a soul is bound by emotions and shows them up differently under altered circumstances. In this social fabric, the society we live in, friends right from our childhood are generally of the same sex, only after adolescence for when men and women agree, it is only in their conclusions, the eyes of the liberal social order tend to evolve with friendship as pure and divine which only few can understand, more often than not it leads into courtship or ends in a breakup.

There is a lot of research done, published and statistics written on sexual harassment at workplace where women are the victims at least 43% at times and men at least 12% a times who have been pressurized by the opposite sex for sexual favours. One of the most robust sex differences in personality research is the finding that women are higher in agreeableness than men are. The difference is over half a standard deviation, which means that although there is plenty of overlap between the sexes, the average man scores lower than 70% of women, and may be one of the reasons that the reported cases of sexual harassment at workplace go unreported by men, and add to that the social stigma that often a stereotyped man faces in the society.  Sexual harassment is not limited to the boundaries of bosses exploiting their subordinates but extends into Men harassing Women colleagues, Women harassing Men colleagues, Men harassing Men colleagues and Women harassing Women colleagues. Now-a-days there has been increased number of cases reported on same-sex sexual harassment, 12% of men have reported being sexual harassed by men at the workplace and 3% of women have reported being sexually harassed by women at the work place.

One of the impediments is to comprehend the concept of sexual harassment as it involves a range of behaviours, even the victims find it difficult to explain what they experienced., and after a lot of deliberation a definition agreed upon commonly by the international community and is demarcated “Sexual Harassment at workplace is unwelcome sexual favour and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature that tends to create a hostile or offensive work environment”

The Supreme Court of India defined Sexual Harassment as any unwelcome sexually determined behaviour (whether directly or by implication) such as - Physical contact and advances, A demand or request for sexual favours, Sexually colored remarks, Showing pornography, any other unwelcome physical, verbal or non-verbal conduct of sexual nature. The landmark case of Vishaka and others Vs. State of Rajasthan laid down guidelines for the preventing and redressel of the complaints by women who were sexually harassed at workplace. The Guidelines entrusted the Employer with the obligation to provide a safe and woman friendly environment. The sections 354, 509, and 376 of the Indian Penal Code which deal with sexual assault, namely, outraging the modesty of a woman, eve teasing and committing rape of a woman, all assume that men cannot be subjected to these crimes, The only form in which a wrong sexual advancement on a man is recognized as an offence is as sodomy under the 377 section of the IPC. Apart from that there is no law to punish a person for molesting a man. This causes more challenges in cases of male sexual harassment or same-sex sexual harassment.

While the organizations strive and but the best of the policies to ensure safe workplace for women bound by law, the organizations can go ahead and define their own policies related to protect their employees be it men or women, its crucial to create constant awareness among the employees to report such instances. Its been observed that at least 90% of cases don’t get reported in the official channels but are known through the grapevine. The Human resource professionals should engage in creating confidential mechanisms of reporting such acts where voice of the employee reaches the right action taker so that such instances are avoided in the future. There is a lot that needs to be done in this area and for sure right steps have already been taken… it’s important to strengthen them further…

Marital and Pre Marital Counselling in Bangalore

Counselling is essential and an integral component of legal interventions in the management of a case with the client in distress. The very reason someone has approached a lawyer seeking legal guidance is because there has been a state of mind where the person seeking advice has somewhere comprised on his/her duties, responsibilities, rights, ethics, morals, attitude, action, activities and so on either voluntarily or involuntarily. As a lawyer, practicing since a decade now I have realized that the legal solutions we offer especially in relationship troubles often end up more damaging the already stressed relationship leading to legal separation or further aggravation of the state of affairs. It’s inevitable under certain circumstances that one has to amputee the said relationship but I strongly believe with my own experience that there is strong possibility to ensure the relationship recovers and blossoms thru the right mix of legal guidance and counselling.

It’s very easy for a lawyer to understand the issue listening to less than a sentence from the client on a marital dispute and start recommending legal steps, in case the wife approaches the set procedures one often suggests is to file a case in the police station followed with a domestic violence case or essential rights etc… finally ending with a legal separation or divorce either mutual or contested. In case the husband approaches the procedures more or less are the same but as a caution and proactive protection we also suggest to acquire an anticipatory bail in case the wife complains. Well this is good as per the practice and rule book that suggests and the lawyer’s advice but should we lawyers not see this as a moral responsibility to overcome our own barriers and limitations that govern us and play a vital role as counsellors., I believe it very important for every lawyer to engage with the client and foremost carry very good listening skills and try counselling before taking or suggesting any legal action.

When I was the student of law and have attended counselling sessions with my seniors, I have observed that, couples then would come to us to fix the marriage. Now, I have young couples who have come just to convince their family or partner that a divorce is the right decision. Most marriages go through stormy periods severe enough that divorce is a likely outcome or that in many a cases one or both spouses develop an illness such as anxiety or depression. One important thing to remember as you look at marriage counselling statistics and wonder whether couples therapy can be successful for you: many, if not most, couples don’t go to counselling until their problems have gotten seriously bad. In order for it to be effective, there must be a commitment to improving the relationship and Success comes down to your willingness and determination to make it happen.

Once upon a time marriage was a 'forever' commitment. Today, however, it's a completely different story with some marriages being as short lived as just a few days or months, what distinguishes marriage in India from marriage in the West is the sanctity attached to marriage: a sense of perpetual bonding and an element of divinity in it which slowly in today’s times is becoming obsolete. A very recent report points out that of the 1.7 lakh marriages registered every year in Delhi, about 13,500 do not live happily ever after the statistics in Bangalore are more worse showing near about 9.5% of marriages registered end up in legal troubles and more than 70% of such cases are in the age group of 25 to 35 years and more than 60% are mutual consent divorce. In the present scenario what is new is not only the growing number of divorces but also a qualitative difference in the undercurrents of the causes leading to marital discord and divorce.

The prominent causes for marital discord as per with more than 40,000 cases analysed between 2000 and 2012 can be characterized under four broad categories

• Personality related behaviours
• Tendencies including deficiencies/disorders
• Material/monetary gains through marriage
• Incompatibility arising out of value system / thought process

It was also seen that 46% of cases were resolved successfully through counselling and 27% of the cases ended up with separation while others neither got resolved not reached the legal system.

Counselling is not easy, especially in the Indian scenario beyond couple counselling when the family members get involved, it’s very challenging to being in concurrence keeping all external and internal forces aligned towards common good. Not all counsellors or therapists, however, are qualified to provide marriage counselling. An effective counsellor usually a psychologist or a lawyer is be engaged in the work and truly invested in helping troubled relationships, though he/she charges his/her fees. Signs of a good counsellor also include healthy professional boundaries, such as a rigid confidentiality policy. In turn, the need for clients to be open and honest in marriage counselling is a must to gain the best results.

When should you seek couple counselling

• Your rapport with your spouse has hit a blockade and you want to get your relationship back on track
• When you have challenges in communicating with each other, silence is growing with an unpleasant undercurrent in the relationship
• Where there are fights, resentment or other unpleasantness leaving to disharmony and a bitter taste in the relationship
• When you are having difficulties dealing with in-laws, career, money matters, parenting and get no or less support from spouse
• There are issues with sexuality, you suspect infidelity or any other key behaviour change but still want to ensure to get things back to track
•  A very important juncture in life … beyond 40yrs. when your children are grown up and you are rediscovering each other
• When you notice indifference in behaviour of your spouse and find it hard to deal with
• When you are subjected to domestic violence. For many a people recognising that the relationship they are in is abusive can be difficult, there will be signs of emotional trauma one is going thru and is in midst of indecisiveness, certainly should seek counselling

What is the duration of the counselling sessions…?

-       Typically each session lasts for an hour and depending on the gravity of the situation, it’s observed that one may need at least 3 and at max 20 sessions for issues at hand to be resolved. The Sessions are conducted in interim intervals, with not more than 2 sessions per week.

What happens in the Counselling Sessions…?

-       Different counsellors are going to approach your situation in different ways, and your situation is going to play a role in how that's handled. Typically the counselling sessions involve…

o    Listening and Documentation (gathering information about your backgrounds, the history of the relationship,  and each partner's specific concerns in the relationship)

o   Goal setting  (behaviour pattern modification / guidance / effort to be put by individuals and couples together / effective partnering towards resolution of issues)

o   Monitoring and Modification (based on the feedback by the clients, there will be modifications introduced in due course till the undercurrents settle towards a blossoming relationship)

As an example, I have been very successful with this little formula, I ask the couples to write down at least 10 good things you observed in each other and continue this activity on a daily basis on the first week and come back and tell me, either wahtsapp or email or tell me when you meet in person. In the next sessions I administer and recommend each other to tell the good things they have observed to each other and appreciate them. Go back in time when you first met and live thru all good moments down the memory line and write them down… and a few more etc…

I have personally seen, when one start writing down good about his/her partner, at least 50% of barriers are broken and rest are the thinking traps one needs to overcome with effective communication. Remember magic happens when you put efforts, just don’t expect that you will meet a counsellor and he/she will solve your problems, you own your responsibilities and are accountable to ensure your relationship is back on track, a counsellor is a facilitator with certain tools and techniques and the knowledge about the law of the land who can aid resolve the complications. Perhaps you and your partner are arguing about the stupidest things and these rows quickly escalate into something nasty and you just identify this mistake and put corrective conscious actions to overcome such instances. It's not a bad bargain in the end, and if you're both willing to give it a shot it can be a fruitful experience.

What are the results of Counselling sessions…?

A few results that I have experienced counselling people since few years now are…

• You will realize your short comings and try understand the neutral perspective and see the big picture
• Effective communication is realized, you will start to communicate more effectively and more often
• You will learn to respect each other privacy and understand the limitations
• You will learn to resolve petty conflicts and acquire problem solving skills
• You as couples can decide to rebuild their marriage and make a renewed commitment
• You can expect an improved understanding of yourself and your partner leading to better communication skills
• You will gain insights into each other’s differences, needs and expectations and try see from their point of views
• Thinking traps will be overcome, you will soon realize that many a times what you meant or perceived was not what actually was
• You might work through the issues and strengthen your relationship, you might decide the best course of action is to move on
• You will discover a very different personality of yourself with an option to vent out what is built up in you since many years
• Counselling isn't all rainbows and roses. It's not necessarily a counsellor’s job to save the relationship. Sometimes the counselling is more about figuring out how to make a split amicably

Can People who are unmarried seek couple counselling sessions…?

Absolutely, in today’s era, after seeing many cases of marital dispute, I strongly recommend that couple who are yet to get married should seek Pre-Marital counselling with an objective to understand each other better. In Pre-Marital counselling my focus with the clients is to pitch them thru few case studies and instances that may occur in their marital life and how they will react to which include…

•  Monitory problems
• Infidelity / Suspicion
• Mutual expectation and respect
• Incompatibility and Commitment
• Career and individual aspirations
• Commitment towards in-laws
• Living arrangements (Joint family / Nuclear)
• Commitment towards family and children
• Gender Role and expectations from each other
• Conflict resolution and heated arguments
• Elements of spirituality and sexual compatibility

Should people seek counselling in cases of Domestic Violence…?

Being in a violent relationship can feel incredibly isolating, it’s essential that you should seek guidance and if possible legal help depending on the gravity of the situation if irreversible damage is done. Talking to someone you trust, such as a friend or family member is a great place to start, but if you feel shy or challenged then best option is to seek counselling, your details are confidential here. Remember that abusers are very good at manipulating their victims, most of the behaviours one will notice in the cycle of domestic violence starts with Abuse followed with Guilt and then Excuse and finally trying to bring back things to normal. But the very habit one is got into controlling the relationship will spurt out in similar cycle again and again. Depression, anxiety and low self-esteem are typical by-products of a violent relationship you will fall into and it’s very crucial to seek help. Any kind of violence is intolerable, counselling in such cases don’t take long time, in very few sessions one will observe if the person is an habitual offender or is really putting efforts to overcome the challenges. Alcoholism is another common trait observed in cases of domestic violence. It’s not always women, it is crucial to understand that women can be violent towards men too and men also can be victims of domestic violence should seek advice through counselling and appropriate legal action.

When does couple counselling fail or may not help…?

Most experts agree that couples counselling is a relationship between three individuals and it’s not the counsellor’s responsibility to “fix’ the marriage. It should be observed that average couple that enters marriage counselling has experienced marital difficulties for over few years and definitely would have put efforts to resolve things at their own or with the help of friends and family and after evaluating all option would have come to a lawyer for legal assistance. Times when counselling does not help are…

• The problems in the marriage are too old, longstanding and few efforts in the past are tried with no results
• One of partners has already decided to end the marriage and he/she uses counselling a way to communicate the same
• Domestic violence is an issue and staying in an abusive relationship is the decision to end the marriage
• If the couples are not willing to whole heartedly participate in the counselling and do the homework suggested by the counsellor
• Drug / Alcohol abuse or any kind of mental illness is having a major impact on the marital relationship which is irreversible
• Lack of motivation from either of the couples towards counselling and it’s their parents or guardians pushing them to counselling

What role the legal system in has to play w.r.t. marriage or couple counselling…?

Lawyers who are more interested in the welfare of their clients should probe deeper into family troubles than merely to ascertain whether there are "grounds" for divorce. Indeed, there may be ample grounds and yet divorce may not be the best remedy for the client. At least 40 per cent of all the divorce cases which go through the nation's courts have minor children involved, averaging about two children per couple. The problems today are more complex compared to a few decades earlier, the role of lawyers is also changing to address the situations and some lawyers have begun to realize that they need to be the face of the society and have a very important role to play beyond seeking justice for their clients following the rule books and law of the land. Practicing as an advocate is not enough, lawyers and the system at least in cases related to marital disharmony should move to a higher pedestal in ensuring to bring harmony before suggesting legal actions to amputee. There are many marital counselling centers that the legal system has instituted for the purpose of mediation, often clients I have met seek personal help due to confidentiality and would not want to go to open centers for counselling. There are many limitations, pros and cons and the legal system is evolving continuously but at a very fast pace looking at the alarming rate of dissatisfaction in the marital institute.

I am of the opinion that there is no problem that goes unresolved, only thing required is a little extra effort, that first move to overcome the inertia, that first steps to decide put down the ego and then the magic begins. Not all but at least 30% to 40% of cases can be resolved through counselling. You may wish to write to me at lawyersonia@gmaill.com for legal advice and counselling.

Men... the victims of Domestic Violence

Disclaimer: the intention of this article is not to weaken the struggles women face with domestic violence but also to bring in some light on the issues faced by men. Domestic violence is no longer only a women issue but impacts both sexes equally.

Over the past few years, 'domestic violence' has been defined as vehemence by men against women and children, and women's viciousness against their male partners has been considered to be either absent, or the fault of men, or has been underestimated and justified in a variety of ways to an extent where this interpretation of violence implies further that women's aggression is a reaction to men's actions toward them, blaming the victim for his plight. It is argued, for instance, that a wife who beats her husband has herself been beaten and that her violence is the violence of self-defence.

When one hears the words ‘Domestic violence’ we picture about a woman being beaten by a man… a child living in terror of an arrogant father figure … a woman with bruised face, cowering indoors afraid to upset an unstable male partner… The deep-seated prescription of domestic violence as a woman’s problem, and not a social problem affecting both sexes and their children, is now strongly entrenched in societal attitudes of various western cultures, men in India too have become vocal about this, but the public indifference towards men still exists and this not only deters many male victims from reporting intimate abuse against them, even when they have suffered severe violence, but also reinforces stereotypical attitudes towards them by police forces and social agencies, so that if they do report, they are often disbelieved or ridiculed. Unfortunately in India, Domestic violence against men in India is not recognized by the law and like women, men also find it hard to get out of abusive relationships.

An estimated 835,000 men are physically assaulted by intimate partners every year, according to the National Coalition against Domestic Violence. In recent years, there has been a spurt in the number of men who have been physically abused by their wives. Although the trauma may be the same, the methods of inflicting abuse vary. "Men are stronger and hit their wives, but women, in many cases, ask another man — their brother, father, friend or hired goons — to assault their husbands. About 1650 Husbands aged between 15-49 years and selected through random sampling were interviewed using a schedule adapted from the WHO multicounty study on Husband's health and domestic violence. The study looked at all four aspects of domestic violence — Economical, Emotional, Physical and Sexual. Economical violence was found to be the commonest with 32.8% respondents saying they had faced it at least once, followed by emotional (22.2%), by physical (25.2%) and sexual violence (17.7%). An interesting finding was that the probability of violence increased significantly with the duration of marriage particularly if it was more than seven years old.

In my experience counselling and attending to various cases, one key factor I have observed that men shy away from voicing out their problems for reasons including the welfare and access to children, in most of the cases men don’t report or brush aside and continue to stay in an abusive relationship because of the factors involving their parents. One of the cases my client told its very embarrassing for him to go back and tell his mother that his wife is harassing him and his mother being a heart patient will not be able to tolerate the trauma because it was a love marriage against his mother’s will. Another instance was an NRI husband who is married to an Indian girl faces a lot of challenges where the girls family troubles him for money matters. There are few cases of adultery where the wife is involved in but the husband for the very status in the society although coming to know about such things was unable to do anything but seek a separation on some other grounds and meet the demands of his wife during the separation process.

What should men do and how can law / lawyer help…?

In case of False Acquisitions

The most frequent form of abuse that I have come across in my practice is wife falsely filing a case against husband and her in-laws and misusing 498A. In such instances the husband and family approach the lawyer to get an anticipatory bail to protect them and then continue to fight the case which often leads to marital separation.

Having assisted individuals facing a false accusation of domestic violence for several years, I have personally experienced several incidences where my clients were charged with domestic violence crimes for which I knew they were not guilty. It’s always good to be proactive and with the help of a lawyer file the case against the wife in the nearest police station and send a legal notice to wife stating her intentions are being challenged in the court of law and under any circumstance any further false acquisition or false compliant will not hold any good any more. Being proactive is the best possible solution to overcome false acquisitions. Secondly, ensure you protect your valuables, properties, bank information, passwords,  and belongings that can be under potential threat in case of such accusations and finally stop shying away and notify family members and close friends about the abuse you are going thru which will act as an evidence in later times.  

In case of Emotional / Mental Abuse

Emotional abuse of men is the same as emotional abuse of women: it is acts, including verbal assault, that make a person feel less self-worth or dignity. Emotional abuse of men makes them feel like less of a person. Male victims of emotional abuse may experience partners that: Yell and scream, Threaten them and try to induce fear, Insult and demean them; tell them they are not worth the trouble

Socially isolate them, Lie or withhold information, Treat them like a child or servant, Control all the finances and try humiliating them condemning their sexuality. Having social contacts controlled. Being stopped from seeing or talking to friends and family. Being restricted access to the outside world / groups / organizations is another form of emotional / mental abuse one suffers.

In case of Emotional Abuse, it’s essential for men to ensure they seek help thru counselling or legal advice. Few actions men prefer to take in such cases are to leave the relationship or keep evidence of abuse for possible legal action but not retaliate to make the matters worst. A recent landmark judgement was passed in favour of the husband when his wife used to emotional abuse him calling him an elephant, While hearing a plea of a Delhi-based businessman, who faced cruelty and humiliation at the hands of his wife for being overweight and incapable of satisfying her sexual desires, the Delhi High Court recently ruled that calling your spouse ‘mota haathi’ (fat elephant) is a valid ground for divorce. In this case the woman said that the allegations levied on her were vague and non-specific. She argued that the man could not give specific instances of alleged cruelty with dates, time and particulars to which the court observed when two parties are in a marital relationship, neither is expected to maintain a logbook and note down therein each and every instance of matrimonial offence committed by the other.

In case of Economical or Financial Abuse

Victims in this case are forced to hand over their pay cheques to their partner; may not be given access to their own bank statements and other financial documents; may have money withheld or be forced to leave take heavy debt to meet unnecessary demands; abuse of credit cards, be coerced into signing bank loans and other financial documents; may lose their job because of the stress of family violence affecting their performance, some instances where wife’s family members demand monitory assistance, instances where husbands are not allowed to share / part money with their parents etc…

Economical abuse is one of its worst form where a man is found to be in a miserable state almost living a life of a slave puppet in the hands of his wife and wife’s family, the men should retaliate to this form of abuse and seek legal advice, or take a stand to mutually agree with legal documentation in place on the limitations one should put towards expenses and in-law interference in money matters. In one of the cases expressing concern over rift between couples due to parents' persistent interference in their daughter's married life, Justice Kailash Gambhir upheld a lower court's decree of divorce to a man on the ground of his in-laws' frequent interference in his marital life. Parents should not become uninvited judges of problems of their daughter, become an obstacle in the daughter's married life, plant thoughts in her mind and gain control over her and promote disharmony in her family life, the judge said.

In case of Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is not suffered by women only, men too are victims. Today’s society with access to the internet is more advanced (pervert) then what is was before. There have been several instances where men undergo sexual abuse. The stress that has built up in the urban lifestyle coupled with many lifestyle health and fitness issues have left a bad taste in the marital life, women in some cases have resorted to various means to derive sadistic pleasure from their partners and also have gone to an extent seeking pleasure outside marriage, adultery in case of wife is not punishable offence. Various forms of sexual abuse exist in the society arising out of sheer dissatisfaction in marital life or simply vengeance that wife carries towards her husband. Cheating on the husband is another form of emotional sexual abuse which is grave in its kind leading to extreme disharmony in marital life. Many men in abusive relationships do not feel in control of their own sex life, their partners may demand or coerce intercourse, may make derisory comments about their manhood or ridicule them in public. Many men also experience "sex as a reward for good behaviour" and the opposite of being denied any intimacy if they have (knowingly or not) done something to displease their partners, as being an abusive use of sexuality.

Suffering in any kind is not a sign of happy married life, men have all rights to file complaints against their wife for the untoward behavior, the emotional damage done is to a very great extent in such cases and no matter how much of counselling conducted levees very less chances for the scars to vanish. In such cases the only resort often happens is separation, more often than not the reason for separation will be emotional stress caused and very less cases the victims will open up with the facts of abuse.

Times are changing and there are various forums / men rights social organizations and NGOs who are upholding rights for men. There are various self-help forums for men and communities formed where men can feel free to discuss their issues. It’s a tough stand one needs to take, the society we live in and keeping in mind the future life often we tend to amicably resolve issues and in very less time want to get out form a troubled relationship, vengeance will not resolve the purpose, there are cases that are filed in the courts of law which are still awaiting their turn to come up for hearing and life continues to suffer. The intelligent prefer to get out of trouble and mutually agree for whatever good or bad to part off and continue new life…

For those looking for ways in which they can help defend their charges in a court of law, seeking out a consultation from a skilled domestic violence lawyer in your best interest can reach out to me writing into lawyersonia@gmail.com for any guidance and legal assistance.

Waiting for Justice... but how long

It’s close to a decade I am associated with the legal system actively. I have counselled many clients related to various matters from petty issues of conflict to serious crimes across various strata of society, women and child issues haunt the most while there are many related to cheque bounce and property disputes.

As a lawyer my primary goal is to resolve the conflicts my clients face with right legal advice and actions be taken as prescribed by the law of the land. One of the most important things I focus is on Speed of resolution. Sooner the issue resolves happier are the clients. A lawyer’s role is similar to that of a doctor; give the right medication so that the patient overcomes the illness ASAP… 

Unlike the doctor whose focus is the health of the patient a lawyer according to me has a very vital role to play to ensure the health of the society is maintained at the very best. Counselling plays a very vital role in resolving the disputes especially traffic violations, family and financial matters.

I started to research from various sources across the internet, newspapers, legal databases and many more sources to compile an interesting statistic that often I open up to my clients during the conversation and show them the pain one has to go thru when he/she files a case that can be otherwise resolved amicably thru alternative means. Of course I charge my fees for the clients who consult me but I feel satisfied that the matter is resolved without wasting time for all the parties involved and helped reduced some burden on the already overburdened judiciary ….

Here is snapshot I’ve compiled on the cases pending in Indian courts …

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       As of Dec 2015 the Supreme Court of India had  approximately 47,000 civil cases and approximately 10,750 criminal cases pending and out of these 125  civil and 75 criminal are pending since 10 years

-          Between 2013 and 2015 the Supreme Court if India disposed of ~132600 One Lakh Thirty two thousand  six hundred cases and in the same period between 2013 and 2015 the US Supreme court disposed 288 cases, UK Supreme court 272 cases, African courts resolved 771 whereas Supreme courts of our neighbors Pakistan and Bangladesh resolved ~55000 and ~43000 respectively

-          As of Jan 7^th 2016, the data shows 45 Lakh cases pending before various high courts of India, and out of these approximately 10 Lakh are criminal cases and with the unfilled vacancies and various other barriers in the process including availability of lawyers, filing process time and first time right defect free filing etc… its predicted that the pending cases will reach One Crore by end of 2016.

-          Overall, the total number of pendency across all courts in the country -- trial courts, high courts and the Supreme Court stands at 3.25 Crore cases as of Jan 2016 out of which at least 12% of cases are more than 10 years old.

-          The commendable job done by the Indian judiciary although the case backlog continues to grow due to various challenges the disposal rate has been more than 97%. Looking at the data between 2002 and 2012 indicates 1.18 Crore cases were filed out of which 1.15 Crore cases were decided by the major high courts of India.

-          The problem today is not about disposing the case, or the quality of justice delivered but the burden on the judiciary is because of the enamors  backlog of 3.25 Crore cases pending in various courts of India, out of which approximately 30 Lakh cases are pending since last 10 years is a bigger problem

-          The 245^th law commission report says 37% of the cases pending are of traffic violations and 8% are cheque bounce.

-          55,000 couples are waiting for divorce in India. Bangalore alone has more than 9000 cases pending in the family court with couples jostling to sort out matrimonial issues. Every year 500+ new cases are filed and is increasing year on year with as many as 60 – 70 cases come up for hearing every day

The Bar Council of India (BCI), the regulator of all Indian advocates, states on its website that there are “approximately” 12 lakh+ lawyers in India plus “approximately” 400,000 to 500,000 studying law at this very minute, churning out “approximately” 60,000 to 70,000 graduates every year.

Now just imagine if every lawyer decides he/she will ensure to resolve at least one case in a month thru counselling and not allow it to reach the doors of the courts at this rate of in 3 years more than 5 Crore cases will not reach the judicial system and will be resolved OUT OF COURT

As a lawyer, is it not our moral duty to reduce the burden on the judiciary by advising an out of court as a first option followed with other options …

You may wish to comment on this blog post… or write to me directly at lawyersonia@gmail.com 

How do I legally change my Name in India

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" is a frequently referenced part of William Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet. But in reality and the truth is that names are a part of every culture and they are of enormous importance. In genealogy one usually concentrates on surnames since they are the most important way of identifying people who are related. In the Society we live, names are used for identification purpose. 

A child's given name or names are usually chosen by the parents soon after birth. If a name is not assigned at birth, one may be given at a naming ceremony, with family and friends in attendance. In most jurisdictions, a child's name at birth is a matter of public record, inscribed on a birth certificate, or its equivalent. Parents may choose a name because of its meaning. This may be a personal or familial meaning, such as giving a child the name of an admired person, or it may be an example of nominative determinism, in which the parents give the child a name that they believe, will be lucky or favorable for the child for various astrological or neurological reasons.

There are many a reasons why people change names… a few that I have come across facilitating the name change for my clients are…

• Name change because he/she is not liking the given name

• Post marriage girl changes her last name taking up her husband’s name 

• Now a days it’s also in fashion where husbands take his wife’s surname

• Changing the child’s surname 

• Couples combine two surnames and form a new one which is a combination of both husband’s and wife’s family

• Girl reclaiming her median name after separation or divorce

• Name change due to change in religion 

• Desire for an ethnic name encouraged by medieval culture

• Name change due to suggestion by astrologers / numerologists

• Desire to shorten a long name

Process for Name Change 

Generally the process of changing name (from old name to new name) involves three steps 

• Affidavit 

• Newspaper Publication 

• Gazette Notification.

Affidavit 

If you need to apply for a passport, visa or a job, you'll need to verify your citizenship. An Affidavit of Name Change is evidence of your identity. It will work for anyone who has used a name that has not been changed officially by a court or changed through marriage. 

In your affidavit you have to mention carefully the specific reason or reasons for which you want to change your name. You must have a valid reason for changing your name. 

You can meet a lawyer with 3 passport size photographs, Age proof document, ID proof document, and an Address Proof document. 

Your lawyer will facilitate the entire process of name change which includes drafting the affidavit as per the reason for change in name, completing the legal process of gathering signatures, notarizing / attesting the document. 

For married women,  you need to provide either ‘Annexure D’ i.e., Joint Affidavit or your ‘Marriage Certificate’ as a supporting document for the Change of Name in Indian Passport.

Newspaper Publication

Post name change, it’s important to ensure it published in the new paper. You can do it yourself or outsource this to the lawyer, since he/she has connects and is more frequent job of a lawyer the process will be completed soon with hardly any hazels. 

It’s advisable to have the name change published in both local language newspaper and English language newspaper. 

The newspaper content should include 

• Your Previous Name

• Your Current Name (Changed Name)

• Husband’s Name & Date of Marriage (In Case of Married Women)

• Current Address

• Date of Affidavit

• Name of Notary

Gazette Notification 

The last step is to get your Change of Name published in the Gazette of India.

The documents that will be required in lieu with this step are

- Request/Forwarding Letter 

- Specimen for Change of Name

- Original Affidavit

- Original Newspaper Advertisement

- Specimen for Change of Name

- A Postal Order/Demand Draft (INR 1000)

- Two photographs

- Form / Certificate with Applicant Signature

- Undertaking by the applicant 

- Self-Attested Photo ID Proof

Note: Gazette notification is not a mandatory step in all states, its valid only for few states in India. This notification is more valid especially as a supporting document for change of name in almost all major Indian documents like Pan Card, Ration Card, Andhra Card, and Passport etc…

Trust this information is helpful to you, in case you need any further assistance you may wish to reach me at lawyersonia@gmail.com